Monthly Archives: November 2011

Another Hair Brained Scheme

When I’m in the shower it’s my ‘thinking’ time, I do most of my best introspecting  when standing under hot water and can’t hear baby cries or phone calls.

I just have one problem, I tend to lose track of the progression of the showering cycle and usually end up washing my hair like 4 or 5 times… Here is a brief example:

“La la la la la…” this is me signing Dayman from It’s always sunny in Philadelphia – but I change Dayman to Bathman and make it into a great shower singing lyrical.
And Then:
“Huh, it’s funny that this nail polish looks brown in the shower, it’s really more purple downstairs – it is called hot cocoa, it really should be brown.”
And Then:
“I wonder if I’ve washed my hair yet? Oh well, I’ll just do it now”
And Then:
“Turkey Tetrazzinni sounds so fancy, but it’s just turkey and pasta – I wonder what Tetrazzinni means? I should google that.”
And then:
I like black out for 4.5 minutes, just immersed in the sensation of hot water
And then:
“I wonder if I’ve washed my hair yet? Oh well, I’ll just do it now”
And then:
“I wonder if I’ve washed my hair yet? Oh well, I’ll just do it now”

I don’t know if any of you can relate to this, but it is my life. In an effort to cut down on the expense of washing my hair like 3 times a day (or every other day, who am I kidding, I don’t have a job) I want to invent a system of keeping track of where you are in the cycle of showering – you know like a traffic light. Green is shampooed (you just hit that with your elbow when you rinse) Yellow is conditioned, Red is washed and then maybe their could be a fourth color (blue?) that comes on about 5 minutes after you’ve hit the first 3 and this means “now you are just wasting water and goofing off – go do something.”

Feedback would be great – is this a problem only I have? I need to know before I start production.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Last Year:
Lucy Thanksgiving 2010
Lucy Thanksgiving 2010
 
 This Year:
 
Lucy Thanksgiving 2011
Lucy Thanksgiving 2011
I am most grateful for the health and the joy of my little princess, and her Dad and everyone close to my heart.
 
Happy thanksgiving from Sticky Jam Hands 🙂

And now for something completly pointless…

Lucy is sick – which means I am sick – which means it’s time once again to abuse one of my favorite drugs… Nyquil. I would, however, like to make a suggestion to my friends at Vicks. Instead of using obscure dosing instructions (how much is 2 tsp. really? Is that a big swallow or a little swallow? I’m not a scientist). I think it would be better to use language everyone can understand like: “A bottle this size should last you at least 5 days” or “If you finish this bottle within 36 hours you should consult a doctor” or “If you wake up more than twice during the night coughing and decide to keep taking more of this product there is a good chance that you won’t hear your child when s/he wakes up in the morning.”

Just a few things to keep in mind Vicks – if you decide to update your label.

~~~

Saturday night I had a chance to get out of the house and hang out with some friends for a good old fashion girls night. It was wonderful to talk and catch up with them. And as much as I love my husband (and I do!) it’s a refreshing change to chat with people who don’t giggle every time I say the word ‘duty’.

 ~~~

Is it just me or does it seems wrong that people buying a house in Canada should be included in “International House Hunters”?

Thanks Dad

When I was a little girl we used to spend our Christmas vacations in Florida visiting close friends of my parents. And every year on our drive down south my father would remind me about swamp flutter monsters. You know swamp flutter monsters, that come out of the Florida mist and travel through the heating vents in people’s houses and feed on little children. I don’t ever remember being able to sleep on these trips but would just lay in bed terrified that the monsters would find me and I would wonder how much it would hurt when they ate me up.

It wasnt just when we where on vacation that my Dad terrorized me, when we where at home he was always telling me that I was not his real child, that I was switched at birth in the hospital. He would tell me that my real name was Pheobe Hackenbusch and that my Mother was cross-eyed, my father only had one ear and I had 6 brothers and sisters. He would tell me how poor the Hackenbusch’s where and how they lived in run down shacks we would often come across on the back roads of Pennsylvania. When I was being bad he would sometimes put me in the back of the car and drive to the closest run down shell of a house and threaten to leave me there.

I obviously survived my father’s twisted sense of humor but now that I am a Mother I realize how totally messed up this all was. I want a lot of things for Lucy – happiness, healthiness, financial security and MOST importantly to never be afraid of imaginary monsters or to worry that her parents are going to give her away to a large, poor family straight out of Dileverence.

We have a cat door cut into the door to our basement and sometimes my husband likes to stick his hands through it and be the “monster in the basement” and Lucy loves it, she goes running to the top of the basement steps squealing with laughter wherever she hears her Dad downstairs, but sometimes I worry if she lays in bed and wonders what other monsters are hanging out in the basement. And then I worry that maybe I’m projecting my own childhood fears onto her.

Is there no end to randomly weird stuff we as parents needs to worry about?

Footnote:
 I wrote this post in my head late last night while I was laying in bed unable to get to sleep – a little high on Nyquil wondering what the creepy noises I heard where coming from. It should be noted that in my head it was a lot funnier and not so sad about how I was tortured by my father as a small child. You can skim that part.

Unemployment, revisited

It was not that long ago that I was stuck in the corporate grind, daydreaming of a time when I wouldn’t be forced to get up every morning and listen to people complain about clients, students, donors, principal investigators… Whatever it was it didn’t matter, there was always a lot of complaining going on. I sat in my office and wished that I just could have a little more time at home.

It feels like it’s been twelve and a half years since I was working and had the ability to have conversations with grown ups on a daily basis. It seems everything that comes out of my mouth these days starts with “No – Lucy – no don’t put that in your mouth!” or “No – Lucy – no hitting Mommy in the face…” I never thought I would one day long for arguments about profit and loss statements or annual budgets.

I have had some good luck with prospective jobs and good interviews, I think I am learning the art of selling myself – unfortunately there is still a lack of takers. In the meantime I have had the time to paint almost the entire house, pack away all of Lucy’s old clothes, scrape all of the rust off of the porch railings, do 4,874 loads of laundry and learn how to make Moroccan chicken stew.

I have gotten so good at laundry, it’s a shame it’s not a prosperous career path. In the meantime, if you have any questions about excel formatting or the advantageous of using the Dewey Decimal system over the LOC system, please feel free to call me, I’m available to take your call.

Newsletter: Month 15

Lucy,

Today you turn 15 months. I don’t even know any more ways of telling you how awesome you are. You are a sweet child, you laugh quickly and often, you love to give hugs and you are trying to learn how to kiss, although your attempts are really more  just open-mouthed drooling on the side of my face than actual kisses.

Laughing with Dad

And speaking of drooling – you are the queen, you drool more than any child I have ever known – I know this must mean there are some new teeth coming in, but since I am too scared to stick my fingers in your mouth anymore, I have managed to lose count. You have enough to chew steak, that much I know. Actually this month we had our first encounter with ‘authority’ when you started biting your friends at daycare and we had to ‘talk about it’ with your teachers. This seems to be a phase that passed quickly since we haven’t had a repeat for many weeks now. I said it last month, I’ll say it this month – please stop biting.

Eating Jam

I think that part of your frustration at daycare is that many of the kids in your class are talking and you have still not decided to start that. I know you understand what we are saying and you follow directions we give you, I also think that if you wanted to talk, you have plenty of words stored up in your head, but why talk when you communicate effectively in so many other ways? I always know what you need, you make it very clear even without words.

Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie...

We have had many fun adventures and visitors this month. Your Nana and PoPo where here for about a week on their way back to Florida, your Uncle Jeff came to see you and despite is aversion to small children I believe you stole his heart a little. We had a block party where you learned that sometimes its okay to run around in the street, we stayed up late playing with our neighbors and we have had many pleasant autumn afternoons enjoying the playground. We went out to an orchard and let you pick out pumpkins for our porch, rode on a hayride and we attended at Halloween party at your daycare where you dressed up like a puppy and ate pizza and trick or treated for small toys.

How about this pum'kin?

chiiln'  at the block party

hangin' at the playground

You were a pumpkin for actual Halloween, and we went trick or treating to all of our friends in the neighborhood – you got TONS of candy and LOVED all the attention that your cuteness attracts.

trick or treat

Your favorite foods right now are peanut butter, chicken & Halloween candy. You love to sit  in my lap and watch sesame street or Yo Gabba Gabba in the morning and you have really started enjoying story time at night, your favorite book of the moment seems to be “The Kissing Hand”.

My little sweetie

I love you so much – Mama.

28 days to go

Oh Jillian Michaels – how I hate you so… In the spirit of new beginnings and life changes, I have decided to transform my Pillsbury dough boy body. So you know… I don’t have to keep avoiding mirrors when I’m nekkid. In an effort to do this I have purchased Ms. Michael’s 30 day shred program and I am on a mission to get it the hell over with.

Today was my 2nd day and I must say that even though I was barely able to heft myself out of bed this morning because EVERY singe muscle in my legs were screaming in pain – I managed to get through it with only 4 or 5 breaks for water and breath catching. This is an improvement over day 1 when there were 8 or 9 breaks for water and breath catching.  I am seriously struggling with some pretty basic things – you know like getting all the way to the floor when doing push ups, I have about an inch and a half range of motion, but it’s a start right? Push ups I can work on but there are other things that really annoy me that can’t change (aren’t there always?) like her voice, it’s like nails on chalk board and if she tells me one more time to stop ‘phoning it in’ I might just start screaming and never stop.

Really, my new goal now is to get in shape and fit enough to jog my way out to hollywood and kick her stupid monkey ass just to show her how strong and in shape she made me. Okay, reading that line over again I do realize how totally messed up that is, but whatever – the heart wants what it wants.

I have managed, unwittingly, to set up some road blocks for myself (awesome). The biggest one being the GIANT bowl of Halloween candy taunting me from the dining room table. You see, our neighborhood is serious about Halloween and every year when get HUNDREDS of kids grabbing handfuls of reeces peanut butter cups from our giant fruit bowl. So, this year I went out, like usual, and bought two army sized bags of candy. What I didn’t realize is that if we go out trick or treating there would  be no one  here to hand out candy and it would all be sitting here, taunting me…

 Despite my idiocy I am determined to finish this thing and to stay away from the candy so my husband can stop poking me in the stomach to hear me giggle.