Monthly Archives: March 2020

Bunker Life*

My hair is a mess, my bangs are too long to be down and too short to go back. I have hair like Ray in Star Wars but not in a good way – in a way that looks like it was done by a toddler with one good hand.

I feel like I am failing at a number of things right now – like why aren’t my closets clean and how come only half the laundry has been put away? Why aren’t I planking more often or taking free master classes? I have one totally arbitrary goal everyday – to get the coffee table cleaned off and I’m even failing at that. Actually I’ve failed so bad that I’ve finally hauled out the requisite pandemic puzzle. Its the puzzle that you do when your family doesn’t have anything left to talk about beyond what you are all having for dinner.

Its seems to be shedding season, or we are just petting the animals too much? Either way everything in the house is covered in multiple layers of fur. You open a door and the entire floor seems to move. I could vacuum everyday and still it would pile up. Just to be clear I do not vacuum everyday but I could… vacuuming is the worst.

Last Sunday Jason smoked a chicken and I spent the entire week making it in to different things – a pot pie, fajitas, salad… I hate this chicken so much. I thought that we would be prepared for the long term because we have a freezer full of chicken downstairs – I am currently regretting this idea.

Today Lucy asked me “how do you multiply fractions?” and “Mom, why are you drinking so much wine lately” I couldn’t answer either of those questions.

*Like thug life only more isolating

Sleeping With One Eye Open

I am alive! I am in the same clothes that I wore yesterday and maybe the day before that. I have only left my house to either walk the dog or to go to the grocery store. This past Monday the grocery store was much more crowded than I felt comfortable with and in full disclosure I may have gotten into a fight with a woman in the wine aisle – I was not my best self but in all fairness neither was she.

At home I have been changing the cat litter more often than normal and when not doing that I am emptying the dishwasher – feeding 3 people 3 meals a day creates a lot of dishes. Work, chores and obsessive news checking has taken up most of my energy – there are streaming work out videos and a large primed canvas downstairs mocking me right now.

Lucy is being pretty good about her school work but looks for any excuse to procrastinate – this morning she made me tell her everything that I know about typewriters, dental floss and what the center of the earth feels like. I am a sucker for this and end up turning in to Cliff Clavin at the breakfast table… I was 10 minutes in to an explanation of how and why the qwerty keyboard was invented when I realized I was playing right in to her hand – if I was a cartoon there would have been a giant lollipop over my head.

If anyone is excited about this lock-down it is our animals, the dog especially is loving the constant attention. The cat though… I’m fairly certain he is plotting to kill us in our sleep.

Day 4? Day 5? Day 15?

Moral in the house is waning, or at least it was until we realized that Netflix has released a new season of Boss Baby. Online school started today and Jason has one again retreated to the basement. Once we start math though, I’m going to lock Lucy down there with him.

My bangs continue to grow out in a weird and awkward way that doesn’t even submit to the hot air brush anymore. I might need to resort to wearing headbands soon.

Last night we taught Lucy how to play monopoly and she kicked our butts – I’m attributing it to the fact that she was the only one of us not pandemic drinking. I woke up to an empty bottle of lagavulin on the kitchen counter this morning and warned Jason that if things continue this way he may be forced to drink the blended scotch soon. It is dire times.

In the Bunker day 3

The only good thing that I can attribute to the corona virus so far is that it is giving me ample time to grow my bangs out without anyone seeing that weird awkward stage where you have to pin it back with a random bobby pin.

This morning I struggled out of bed at 5:30 and made way to the grocery store so I could avoid interacting with people and get there when they open. Also, with the recent closure of the state wine stores I was hoping to restock my quickly dwindling wine supply. But you know what I learned today? Apparently there is a PA law that says no wine sales before 8:00a.m.. 8:00! A.M.! PA residents take note!

Lucy technically had a day off of school today and even though I tried to make up work for her to do she saw right through it and by 10:07a.m. she was bored bored bored. And what I should have done is opened any of the 500 links people have posted online to “keep your kids from getting bored while stuck at home” – we should have mixed up some bath bombs or created giant bubble frame in the back yard but instead I let her watch the Simpson’s – like a dozen episodes of the Simpson’s and if that’s not educational I don’t know what is.

Jason hasn’t been spotted for two days, he went to get something out of the basement on Saturday…

Lock down

Yesterday my employer (in an abundance of caution) closed our office and all but essential employees are working remotely until the end of the month – I am far from “essential”. By sheer coincidence I have been working from home since Tuesday, that’s four days and I’m already sick of myself.

I don’t want to get in to the virus and debate over whether or not we are responding correctly, I want to talk about how I tried to buy tampons at target last night and how that aisle was virtually empty. I want to discuss whether the 11 bottles of wine I have is enough to get me through without murdering my family (whom I love very much and don’t really want to kill unless I HAVE to).

Very much like my “updates from the couchside” I’m going to be writing for the next two weeks about how life is “inside the bunker”. Today my husband is home, working in the office – I can hear him on a conference call and I already want to bash his face in for destroying my peace and quiet. Today is day one.

Random Observations of the similarities between Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings      

Things you start thinking about when you watch LOTR with your 9 year old:

  • –          Both villains are trying to reclaim their corporal bodies

  • –          Both protagonists have the ability to become invisible

  • –          Both have giant spiders that look exactly the same (Shelob & Aragog) – same for the trolls

  • –          The Ring is really just a horcrux

So Long My Old Friend

Last night my microwave died – this might not seem like very important news or an impetus to write an entire blog post over but it is. It really is.

The Microwave in question was a basic 1200 watt Sanyo. It was black and nondescript, it had a wonky open button that often got stuck and required 2 hands to get in to. What makes this particular appliance special it that I bought it, on clearance (as a returned item missing the box) in 1994. For those of you that are math challenged that was 26 years ago – twenty six! That microwave and I had a relationship that outlasted well nearly all of my relationships. That microwave was old enough to take to a bar and buy a beer and up until the very end it was a work horse, it could heat a cup of water up in 30 seconds and cook an entire spaghetti squash in less than 15 minutes. In a time when small appliances are so short-lived it feels like you rent them rather than buy them this Sanyo was a relic of a bygone age (I do in fact recognize that writing that sentence also makes me a relic of a bygone age). It died without fanfare or dramatics, it simply stopped working in the middle of heating up a cup of coffee – it stopped so abruptly that I thought the electricity had gone out.

I realize that I may be abnormally attached to small electronics. I still have the same blender that my parents had in the house that I was born in to – a heavy glass monstrosity that can still crush ice with the best of them, not that I ever use it. I can’t remember the last time I needed to blend something – that’s what Jamba Juice is for. Also until just a few years ago I had been hauling around my alarm clock from my childhood bedroom, this alarm clock was so bright that I could read books by it and as a small child I remember doing just that for hours after my allotted bedtime. The alarm clock stopped working years ago and in the end was just a pile of broken pieces but it was still a sad day when I finally threw it in the trash. When you consider all the times I have moved in my life this is a serious commitment most likely bordering on psychosis.

I do not know how to truly honor this Sanyo, I know many people would simply throw it out and make a trip to best buy and move on but I am thinking that a nice burial plot out behind our shed might be a fitting place or perhaps a new life as a planter box. It is a good thing that my husband is a patient and understanding person.