Monthly Archives: September 2011

random observations

Yesterday I was in Old Navy and I noticed that they have a lot of clothes this season made out of silk – SILK in old Navy, isn’t this an oxymoron? I mean am I the only one who shops there because I can get almost anything I need for $20.00 and it’s guaranteed to be washer & dryer friendly? I felt a little bit like I stepped into an alternate universe.

I have been unemployed for almost two weeks now, I have interviewed for the one job that I have applied for since the big lay off. This seems like really good odds and in a way I don’t want to mess up my stats. However it might still be good idea to start looking for other jobs but I don’t know how to do this with so many distractions on the internets. Every time I log on I am reminded to check my bank balance, to see what Susan is up to and to find out how many southwest miles I have and where that can take me… Perhaps what I lack is focus – do you think you can buy focus on-line? Maybe ebay?

Before my twilight zone excursion to old navy yesterday I spent the morning at Jury Duty – and for the 3rd time in a row I wasnt picked for anything, I was dismissed before lunch even. I don’t understand why they never want me. Having been picked now would have solved my problem of not looking for a job. I would have had somewhere to go everyday and I would have been getting paid. Ugh, if only I still lived in California I could have figured out how to get myself on Conrad Murray’s case and I would have been set for months.

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Unemployment- the new black

Not having a job makes me feel like Peter Gibbons in office space when the Bobs tell him he’s been missing a lot of work and he responds “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it Bob” – yeah it’s a lot like that.

Here’s a list of  things I can do during the day now that I don’t have to go to work:

Nap
Call 7-11 and ask them to cook several dozen hotdogs
Drink wine at 10:00am 3:00pm
Scheme up crazy new business ideas ( I still believe in the bar/laundry mat – whose with me?)
Find out  how to do home waxing
Search for that smell in the basement
Teach the cat to fetch me things
Open my own Etsy store that sells things made with shedded dog hair
Watch more porn
Learn Esperanto

I am totally open to suggestions…

I promise to use my powers for good and not evil

Yesterday I went to the eye doctor – something I’ve put off for the past two years. Unfortunatly I recently ran out of contact lenses so I finally had to bite the bullet.

The eye doctor makes me nervous, he invades too much of my personal space – I feel like having his face less than 2 inches from my face is more intrusive than my annual pap smear, at least during that I don’t have to look at anyone.

So, I went and miraculously my eyes have gotten better since my last vist, my prescription has been nearly cut in half. I was so excited figuring in another 2 years I wouldnt need glasses at all… Of course the “doctor” kept telling me that I don’t actually have regenerative powers that I must have simply been overprescribed last time I was there. He ran every kind of test on me he could think of to otherwise explain this “phenamenom.” He didnt find anything wrong. I could have told him that  because I’m pretty sure it’s obvious now that I’m some kind of superhero.

If only I could find a way to apply this to helping people in real life.

Please sir, can I have some more?

When I was little my Mom used to feed my sister and I cream of wheat – the old fashioned cream of wheat that tasted like nothing and had the consistency of snot. We would complain loudly and protest that we were being served gruel.* I would fantasize that I was little orphan Annie and some day Daddy Warbucks would come to get me and feed me donuts for breakfast.

Recently and probably a little ironically I have started making cream of wheat for Lucy in the morning – its quick, easy and really fills her up. Every morning I  have to resist the urge to make snide comments about my own shortcomings as a Mom… I think it would probably be bad form to tell my daughter that if she’s really lucky some large bald man might one day show up and take her away from all this. Fortunatly for her (and me) she loves it and can’t seem to get enough – of course I give her the flavored kind, the one that doesn’t taste like snot…

*Honestly I might be wrong about my sister complaining about the cream of wheat, maybe she liked it? She seems to like it now as an adult – it might have just been the vitamins we had to take that she would loudly protest. O man she HATED those things and never ran out of hiding places to vanquish them to… I’m not really sure why, personally I liked the purple ones – yum, grape Flinstones! The point it we were NEVER happy at breakfast time.

Newsletter: Month 13

All sorts of fun & crazy things happened this month – you cut your 5th tooth, which is cute but super sharp and hurts very much when you bite us, please stop biting us.

Happy Lucy!

You have decided that the cat needs to be hugged regularly, the cat is not as much of a fan of this as you are. You have been scratched multiple times but it does not seem to be acting as a deterrent.

Lucy hugging another animal

You learned to drink through a straw, I don’t know how (probably because you are some kind of genius) but one day… presto you figured it out without any prompting from us.

Lucy & Toys

We had a great party for your 1 year birthday, lots of people came including your grandparents and Aunt Jessica from North Carolina, not only did they bring you a car load or new toys and clothes but they stayed at a hotel, with a pool – a freaking POOL, it doesnt get much better than that.

Lucy in the pool

It got so hot this month that you broke out in a bad heat rash that persisted for abpout 4 days and had me terribly worried until it cooled off and you were once again back to your cute adorable self.

Your adorable self

You helped your father and I celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary by going out for Mexican food for the first time, you LOVED it.

Lucy as Pebbles

You survived your first earthquake & hurricane completely unscathed. We had many fun adventures including a trip to the please touch museum… oh and you got this bike which you might just love more than the hotel pool – it’s a toss up.

Lucy & Bike

Please Touch Museum

You have stopped having a bottle (except at bed) and eat like a real person – you love fish and turkey & ham & cream of wheat.

Yay for food!

You are amazing and wonderful and even though you won’t stay still to get a diaper on and you occasionally throw out my wallet I love you SO much.

Mama

All offers will be considered

When I was little I had a god father – Uncle John. Uncle John was a very old man who lived in a huge mansion-y type house somewhere quiet and beautiful. My Mom used to take my sister and I there to swim in his pool and play in his secret passageways. This sounds creepy and weird but he actually had one of those houses where you could open up the grandfather clock in the front hall and take a secret passageway to the ‘study’ or the ‘lounge’ or the ‘billiard room’ – I don’t know maybe I’m confusing my childhood memories with the board game for Clue. But either way he was a rich old man who lived in a giant mahogany paneled house with an awesome swimming pool and questionable ties to my family. I don’t really know why he was my godfather – you would think my parents would have chosen someone… younger and maybe related to us …

‘Uncle’ John died when I was very young. I don’t remember this happening, I think I was probably told about it well after the fact. But next thing I know we were relocated to Maine and Uncle John was never mentioned again. When I became a teenager I started to wonder who inherited that house and all of the money that I assume went with it? I am the god daughter after all – maybe when I turned 18 I’d get an inheritance? Maybe when I was 21? 25? 30? Maybe when I got married? All of these milestones have come and gone and still no mysterious call from a lawyer I don’t know asking me to come to his office… I’m starting to lose hope.

I haven’t been updating this blog very often because really the main subject in my head has been my general annoyance and frustration about my job. And I know you all have way more important and amusing things to do that read a bunch of posts about how I hate my job. My ‘aloha feeling’ has definitely crawled out the window and jumped to its untimely death.

Since I doubt very much that there is any Uncle John money sitting in a bank vault waiting for me and my daily lottery tickets haven’t panned out – if there is anyone out there who would like to offer me a job, or a grant or a fellowship or become my benefactor now would be a good time to contact me. I could return your kindness with sarcastic witticisms and cute pictures of my child. My strengths are a good sense of humor, a delicious lasagna, and fantastic accessorizing.  I’m a decent driver and have really good penmanship.

Hoping to hear from you soon!