Monthly Archives: September 2018

A Public Service Annoucement

At some point in your child’s increasingly short childhood they are going to become afraid of going to bed. Maybe it’s because you let them stay up to late watching the prisoner of Azkaban, maybe it was because they went to a sleepover where their friends told them scary stories maybe it was just shitty parenting in general. Whatever the reason I almost guarantee that your kid who has been going to sleep with nary an issue for a long time now will at some point start to make bedtime a nightmare for both you and them.

At this point you will sit them down and calmly and rationally explain that there is nothing to be afraid of, that you have kept them safe for 8 years and that nothing can penetrate your all-seeing Mom protection. You will tell them that there is no such things as werewolves or basilisks, you will be utterly convincing and reasonable and they will not believe you. You will call your Mom, who may or may not be a trained psychoanalyst and she will tell you to be firm but not to give in to your child’s fears, don’t offer to post a stuffed animal sentry in front of the door, don’t make them think that there is anything to be afraid of –  just keep leading them back to bed and reassure them they are all right. You might try this one or two times, but it will not work. You will be tired, you will be cranky.

You will stop being reasonable and search the internet for anti-werewolf potions, you will do you research (because that’s what good parents do and also because you don’t have a stash of essential oils in your house which most of them call for) and if you are lucky you will make the following:

Anti-Werewolf potion*

What you will need

Spray bottle
Something Silver
Warm Water
1 drop of milk
2 drops of green food coloring
1 mint

Directions:

Take a half a cup of warm water and using a glass measuring cup stir it with something silver. Add a drop of milk and two drops of green food coloring and the mint. Stir and wait for the mint to dissolve. Once dissolved stir again. Transfer to a spray bottle, act really scared about the strength of this potion and only allow your child to spray once around her bed each night. Let it stay on the bedside while they are sleeping. Leave their room and go pour yourself a large and well deserved glass of wine.

Feel free to call and thank me later.

*I stole this recipe from The Fantastic Book of Potions

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A Danger To Myself And Others

I am sorry to report that I have come to rely on Sticky Jam Hands less as an outlet for my angst and sarcasm and more as a place to list the current books I am reading (so far 42 this year!). And seriously what good is that? I might as well break down and start a goodreads account.

I was just perusing the items I posted this year and I was horrified at the selection – one recount of a trip to NYC, a maudlin eulogy to my late father and a few birthday interview videos. I thought to myself “you hardly deserve to have a website at all.” In my feeble defense I did write something funny on my other website (yes, there are 2) you can read it here. And if everything works out as it should there will be a new update to Artistry in Alcohol based on our latest (and much less successful) craft night that happened over the weekend.

Today, however I want to recount to you something that happened to me back in August. About a month and a half ago, when it was hot – HOT, the train that I take into the city underwent some track renovations. Yes the Southeastern Transportation Authority (SEPTA) decided to terminate the train that I take to work everyday 4 stops before I get to the stop that gets me to work everyday. They had set up a system of shuttle buses and subway rides or some such nonsense but I had no wish to research or understand what I was supposed to do, so I decided to drive in to the city instead. Since I work in an area completely devoid of parking options I dove to my old stomping ground, parked in west Philadelphia at the University and made my way in from there. I only had to go in to the office two days during this disturbance (thanks well planned business trip and vacation!).

The first day I went in to the office, I parked 26 blocks from work, about 20 minutes earlier than I usually go in and since it seemed hot but not unbearable I decided to walk across town. I realized what a terrible mistake this was about 5 blocks in to my walk, but being stubborn and slightly insane I decided I couldn’t deviate from the plan I had already committed to, it got hotter as I walked. I had nothing with me except a thermos of hot coffee and on my feet some fairly uncomfortable work shoes. I got to work an  hour late, dehydrated, covered in sweat and limping.

Six hours later, my feet felt better, I purchased a large water bottle and waved away co-workers attempts to provide me with subway tokens. I decided to walk back to my car. Why? Because I’m stubborn and a little bit insane (pay attention). I spent the hour long walk chronicling  my journey via text message with my friend Jeff, this is how it went:

Me: I just left work, feels like I walked in to a sauna

Jeff: Please tell me you figured out the subway or used the taxicab service in your purse (uber)

Me: I’m walking

Me: But I have water this time

Jeff: WHY?? Do you have a death wish?

Me: I like walking

Jeff: your current temp is 93/ feels like 103

Me: Yeah, its hot

Jeff: That’s Africa hot

Me: I’m in Chinatown and it smells like bad fish

Jeff: I think that’s because there isn’t any ‘good’ fish when its 103

Jeff: I guess it smells like 103

Me: I’m almost to city hall – I’m developing a blister

Jeff: No one saw that coming

Me: I just stopped in love park to change my shoes

Jeff: Today I’m calling it ‘love my feet park’

Me:  I just got to Comcast, if my husband wasn’t so smart to have worked from home today I could go visit him

Me: Just passed their newest, taller second tower…

Jeff: Oh yes! I heard something about them needing a newer shinier towerer thing

Me: If one colossal tower is good than 2 has to be gooder right?

Me: Okay, I just literally walked in to 2 people while texting you, I’m officially ‘part of the problem’

Jeff: Haha, watch out for fountains!

Me: Way off in the distance I see salvation!

Jeff: Is it a pizza hut delivery car?

Me: No, 30th street station!

Me: F*ck, the sun jut came out!

Jeff: Now you are really melting 😦

Me: crossing the river

Jeff: Jump in!  Jump in!

Me: Have you seen the Schuylkil?

Jeff: Are you at the station?

Me: Yes, sweet sweet air conditioning, I think I might just live here now, who needs to go home?

Me: God dammit – my favorite smoothie place was turned in to a pretzel stand, I cant live here – on to my car

Me: two blocks to go

Me: You know what would suck?

Jeff: ???

Me: If I left my keys at work

Jeff: Hahahaha! That’s EXACTLY what I thought you’d say

Me: Hey, guess what?

Jeff: Are you at your car?

Me: (insert car emoji)

Jeff: and the angels sing

I made it home in record time – I mean record time not including the hour long cross city hike I took. The next time I went in to the city, I parked at the same place, bought some subway tokens and rode underground. Who says I cant be reasonable?