This afternoon I came home from work, completely exhausted from my day. Lucy was having a melt down because another kid in the neighborhood hugged me – hugged me, she was so distraught that I literally had to just throw her over my shoulder and drag her into the house fireman style along with her bag and my bag and a random sampling of dirty coffee mugs from my office and her fuzzy pink hoodie and her favorite teddy bear and Ariel and Ariel’s hairbrush.

I dragged everything and everyone inside, kicked off my shoes, started a pot of boiling water for a quick and easy spaghetti dinner as I broke up a cat fight with my foot and ripped a hole in my stockings. I threatened death to the little kitty if she ate one more unattended stick of  butter off the kitchen counter when the doorbell rang.

I was trying to get rid of the reformed crack head selling subscriptions of unpopular magazines as I smelled the unmistakable smell of cat urine. I quickly closed the door and began the hunt for the offending odor just as the water on the stove began boiling over.

I was on my way to take care of that when I heard a life screeching wail from Lucy upstairs, I ran up there as the smoke detector went off, seemingly trying to drown her out.

I discovered Lucy standing on our bed, pants around her ankles, very expensive anti aging nighttime face cream all over her hands from being rubbed in to her private parts, a $40 a bottle of anti aging serum she mistook for butt cream. And you know? Anti aging serum apparently stings really bad when rubbed on sensitive areas.

I swept her off the bed, threw her in the tub with the water running, ran downstairs to stop the infernal smoke detector as my neighbor called to make sure we are all okay.

I took the boiling water that has mostly spilled all over the stove off of the heat as I ordered a pizza, wrapped Lucy up in a silky bathrobe, turned on Dora the Explorer as I resumed the hunt for the rouge cat pee.

Now I’m relaxing with a large cocktail while I fold two loads of laundry…

How was your day?