I currently have several friends that either just had or are soon expecting their first baby girls. I couldn’t be happy for them with their little screaming bundles of oppression joy.

But I thought I would take a moment to share with them some really exciting things they have to look forward to – once their little poop shooters grow up and turn three, below are just a few things that one can expect:

• She will be obsessed with poop. You will not go to the bathroom without someone running in after (if she’s not already in there) jumping up and down shouting “can I see it? Please Mommy just let me see it!”
• She will be very annoyed by bookmarks and will begin to pull them out of every book she finds laying around the house.
• She will pick up on your vernacular until one day you walk into her laid back in the bathtub and when you ask her what she’s doing she’ll say “oh, I’m just chillin like a villain with my baby, Mom”. Or every time you take a picture of her with your phone she’ll ask you to send it to her. When you ask her what her number is she’ll say “five”.
• She’ll pick the most opportune times (usually in line at Target) to reach inside your shirt for no reason and say really loud to anyone whose around “I like your squishy boobs Mom!”
• Hide your make-up. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
• When you get her up for nap time she will often times be wearing 3 pairs of underwear 4 shirts and leg warmers and be mad when you tell her she has to go put on pants. Because its January and its cold.
• She will never want to wear socks. Even during a polar vortex. No socks. No.
• One day you will pick her up from school and ask her how her day was and she will say “We can talk about it during dinner Mom, that’s when we discuss how everyone’s day was. Right now I just want to be quiet and listen to Adele.” and you will wonder what the hell happened to your little girl.

I remember when Lucy was still just a little gurgling crawler before she could forms words and I couldn’t wait until she talked. All of my Mom friends warned me not to rush it, but I knew they were insane and I couldn’t wait to hear the pearls of wisdom that would emanate from my little angel.

Hahahahahahaha.