Because cucumbers are icky

Since I am on vacation and far from civilization I have decided to invite some guest bloggers to fill in in the funny that normally resides here.

Today’s post is actually an excerpt from an email I received yesterday from my very good friend Jeff, he didn’t know at the time that this particular email would make it onto the internets, but I really feel like this will enrich all your lives significantly.

All you need to know is that Jeff lives in California and Ralph’s and Vons are the names of competing grocery stores – enjoy…

My annoyance started when I went to Ralph’s to do my grocery shopping after work. Grocery shopping at 5:00pm on a Friday is always a joy. But anyway, I really prefer Vons over Ralph’s because Ralph’s is always a friggin’ madhouse and their prices are higher. Plus, I never really know if I’m getting a deal at Ralph’s. Most of their “club savings” shit is like “2 for $6.00” …well, do I get one for $3.00?? I just don’t know. Anyway, I digress. I went to Ralph’s because I was in Vons this morning buying much needed bagels in bulk and looked to see if they had any PepsiOne – since I knew I’d be doing “big shopping” after work. (You know how I love my PepsiOne!) Sadly, they did not and thus the trip to Ralph’s.

So Ralph’s didn’t have any PepsiOne either and that was the seed – the germination point of my annoyance. Because now I have to buy stupid PepsiMax, which isn’t the same thing – even though the packaging is almost identical. I really think PepsiOne is gone from our grocer’s shelves. I’ve been expecting it. They never updated the logo to that retarded new Pepsi logo that all the other flavors got. I’m rambling again. Sorry, but this is all very emotional to me. Like losing a dearly loved family member or realizing that TiVo didn’t record “Operation Repo”.

So there I am not having my treasured PepsiOne AND having to shop at fucking Ralph’s! Is it any wonder I was ready to kill the 1st shopper who got in my way? I think not.

Okay, so I bring my overpriced groceries home and put them away – only to discover that my ice maker has decided it no longer needs to, you know, make ice. Its done this sort of thing before – like a rebellious teenager. Generally, I just pull the big tray out, touch & move all the touch able and movable parts and it kicks back into gear. But in the meantime, its like Africa hot and I “need” my cocktail(s)! It IS Friday after all.

So I get back in my car and head to the Vons for ice. I walk in and head directly to the ice thingy – I know it like the back of my hand since in the last three weeks I’ve been camping, to a beach BBQ and then camping again. The ice thingy is empty. COMPLETELY EMPTY! You’d expect that sort of thing last weekend with the big holiday, but on Friday, July 8th? That’s random and annoying. But just before I gave up and left, I kinda remembered that there was some other ice. Fancy ice they keep in another location – “designer” ice maybe – over in the ice cream isle. So yeah, there was like lemon infused ice, “tropical” ice (??) and whatever I bought – I think its dessert ice. Or maybe after dinner ice. Might be “date nite ice” I don’t know. But it was ice and I bought it! …well almost.

Me and my bag of Gucci ice head on up to the checkout and I swear to you Becca, it looked like the queues to get into Disneyland on opening day. Hordes of shoppers with their kids and their carts and their unnecessary purchases. It was mayhem. I picked my line and approach just a woman and her small mulatto child also approach. She goes first without the customary “no YOU go ahead! No YOU go!” dialog. She just went. At this point I should mention that she has about 74lbs of shitty jewelry on and is dragging a dog behind her on a leash. I wanted to ask her if she was blind, since you don’t bring dogs into the grocery store unless they are to “aid the visually disabled” …and it would also explain her ADHD barbie toting mulatto child, her poor wardrobe choice and the pink tips in her hair. But somehow civility got the better of me and I said nothing. Don’t you HATE when that happens?

This next part of they story – I swear – I’m not making this up. She’s not in line to buy anything. No, she’s here to return a half eaten box of, like, “Nature Valley Granola Bars” and (my hand to Jesus) a half chopped up cucumber! Are you fucking kidding me?!? Sparks start-a-flyin’ when the UPC code on the half eaten granola bars doesn’t even exist in the Vons database. So after much wrangling, she got 84 cents for her mangled, half chopped cucumber. I, on the other hand, lost 23 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back.

It just kills me that we both arrived at the same line at the same time – me with my solitary bag of gucci ice and her with her nasty cucumber and her schemes of embezzlement. Wouldn’t any normal-ish human with an ounce of compassion waive the guy with the ice to go ahead of you?

I think I hate all people. And I’m embarrassed by what we, as a collective species, have become. Plus my roommate just locked me out of my own house.

P.S. I was going to clean up the language a little bit but I’m much to lazy, besides I’m on vacation, remember?

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