There once was a cranky three year old
She whined all the time
She didn’t like you if you said ‘no’
Her favorite word was ‘ mine ‘
She hated eating dinner
Unless it was mac and cheese
She would beg and beg for dessert
But rarely ever said ‘please ‘
We would love her and hug her
And say she was cherished
Until she pulled away saying
“Now I’m embarrassed”
She is so grown up
Yet still a baby
She’s wonderful
But drives us crazy
There’s a lot of differences between my husband and I, many of them stem from our own kinds of personal grooming techniques, some are related to the length of time we can talk to any one person on the phone. Many of our differences originate from our organizations skills and our ability or inability to multitask (he can talk longer on the phone but I can do two things at once).
We’ve been together quite a few years my husband and I but there are still moments that amaze me. Ever since we purchased our new home I have invited friend after friend over to give them the grand tour to show them the awesome huge pull out drawers in the kitchen to say things like, “and on this wall imagine a big focal point like lots of family photos interspersed with art and cool fabric swatches…” my friends ohh and aww over the potential that they can see in our unfinished rooms. But last weekend my husband had some of his friends over and when I got home they were just drinking beer and hanging out in the driveway. I invited them, but they declined. Later after they had gone home I asked my husband if he gave them a tour of the house and he said ‘yeah, I took them downstairs and showed them the beer refrigerator’. Really? All this space all this unlimited potential and you take your friends to the utility room in the basement and show off our second refrigerator? I was incredulous and he was perplexed by this.
Sometimes I wonder how men and women have managed to coexist for so long, I mean despite the fact that our parts fit together so easily. I guess this is the reason there is both HGTV and SPIKE TV.
I know it seems lately that my entire life is completely filled with dealing with my strongly opinionated melodramatic daughter, but alas this is not true. I have an entire 40 minutes I spend on the train everyday where I can contemplate things like politics, the environment or the personal grooming practices of my fellow riders.
Usually I spend this time immersed in any number of poorly written chick-lit books as to stop the real world from seeping in to my candy-land colored existence. Oh – how I hate you reality. But every once in a while, despite my constant vigilance, real world events seep into my paradigm.
Take for example the “polar vortex”. First, WTF? I know that most people really don’t care about science. I know that money to support scientific research can be hard to find. Because of this I think scientist everywhere try to invent fancy names for things. Fancy names to make people care. Fancy names that back when I was a kid were simply referred to as “winter”.
Now – I don’t have an exceptionally good memory of my childhood – many events and day to day occurrences are blacked out and hopefully never surface unless through hypnosis or deep psycho analysis (neither of which I would ever subject myself to). But I do remember some things, I remember getting ready for school in the morning and hoping against hope that the thermostat outside would reach a double digits (because it’s so much warmer at 12 degrees than at 8?).
I remember walking to the bus stop when it was so cold that it hurt to inhale air into my lungs. I remember finally getting on the bus and my hands would be bright red and would burn the entire 35 minute ride from the cold outside. Now admittedly, I was too cool or just too dumb to properly attire myself during this time in my life. I wore an unlined leather bomber jacket most days, a jacket that my Mom inconceivably bought for me at some fine outdoor clothier like ‘fashion bug’. I wore this with no gloves or hats or scarves. I was cool damnit.
And yet, I survived, I survived despite my stupidity, I survived despite the fact that we lived in one of the coldest areas in the contiguous United States. I survived even though school never closed because of the cold. The colder it got the more impervious we acted. It’s honestly amazing the tips of my fingers aren’t black…
But now that I am older and oh so much wiser I have invested in a warm sub zero winter parka and all the accessorizing trimmings that go along with it. Earlier this week when I was all bundled up and the mercury never got above 20 I still saw students walking around campus in short shorts with nothing heavier than a hoodie. It warms my heart.
If you give a three year old a muffin chances are that she’ll want to help you make them.
So you let her help, and she will immediately pour milk all down the front of her.
So you’ll send her upstairs to change her clothes.
She’ll come back 27 minutes later in a pair of underroos and stripped leg warmers.
You’ll send her back upstairs.
She’ll come back with a matching pink tutu and a tiara, she’ll ask for a snack.
You’ll remind her you are making muffins, because by now she’s completely forgotten.
She’ll ask you what kind of muffins your making, you’ll tell her blueberry.
That will remind her of Blueberry’s for Sal and she’ll run back upstairs to get it.
Two minutes later you’ll hear her yelling “no stop it! Stop it!”
You’ll go upstairs and find out that she’s screaming at her evil twin that lives in the mirror in her bedroom.
You’ll remind her again that the mirror is simply a reflection of herself.
At this point the smoke detector will go off from the burning muffins you also forgot about.
Your three year old will freak out and try to run outside in her underroos.
You will hold her in one arm while climbing onto the living room side table to turn off the smoke detector.
Right at that moment she will remember the muffins and want one really bad.
So you will drive to Starbucks, buy her a blueberry muffin while you doctor up your vanilla latte to get rid of your raging headache.
I currently have several friends that either just had or are soon expecting their first baby girls. I couldn’t be happy for them with their little screaming bundles of oppression joy.
But I thought I would take a moment to share with them some really exciting things they have to look forward to – once their little poop shooters grow up and turn three, below are just a few things that one can expect:
I remember when Lucy was still just a little gurgling crawler before she could forms words and I couldn’t wait until she talked. All of my Mom friends warned me not to rush it, but I knew they were insane and I couldn’t wait to hear the pearls of wisdom that would emanate from my little angel.
Hahahahahahaha.
I know that last year I complained about the measly 34 books that I read and promised the internet I’d do better, but before you scroll down to see my final number for this year (abysmal) let me reminds you that the average American only gets through about six a year. I’ve totally beat a lot of them.
Audition ***
I liked this book – I listened to it in the car and it took me awhile to get over her speech impediment, and I was surprised that she never mentions her speech impediment. The first half of the book was by far the best, describing her childhood, her famous father and her fairly dysfunctional immediate family – the second half gets a little braggy about her success.
The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter ****
Wow, what an amazing book. Certainly the best thing I’ve read in a long time. I put it into the same category as A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I am stunned that a 23 year old could create such a multi-dimensional, deep, stirring, story. Run, don’t walk – read this today.
Winter of the World***
Not as good as The Fall of Giants but still a riveting story. It started with the rise of Hitler and ended with the conclusion of World War II. I liked this but felt like it dragged a little in the middle, it seemed like it took me forever to read.
Great Expectations***
A classic I always meant to read. I like Dickens and enjoyed this – I listened to it in my car which was very enjoyable and took me away from my road rage and my 21st century paradigm.
The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry***
A cute, sleeper novel. This was the first book club selection of the year and I’m not sure that it’s a consensus to give this novel 3 stars, but the end took me by surprise and made me think long and hard about old age and the relationships we hold dear.
Life Interrupted**
The last unfinished monologue of Spaulding Grey, I listen to this in the car. It was read by Sam Shepard and I could not get into his reading. He had neither the rhythm nor the cadence that Spaulding had and I could not hear Spaulding at all. At the end I was just depressed.
2001: A space Odyssey***
I’m adding this here because I re-’read’ almost half of this book this year and I think it makes the list. It’s classically sci-fi and way better than the movie.
Maisie Dobbes*
Ugh – I could not get into this book at all. This was a recommendation from both my Mother and my sister who have read the entire series. I read three quarters of it and stuck it back on the shelf. Murder mysteries are not my cup of tea and this wasn’t compelling enough to change that.
The Devil Wears Prada**
Exactly what you would expect a block buster chick-lit book to be. I listened to this in a car on the way to my crappy job in the ghetto and it made me feel better about my own situation. I would have liked it so much better if the ending had been different, but it was the most anti-climactic thing I have read in a long long time.
Wild***
I really enjoyed this book. As a Mom the introduction and forward made me both sad and depressed and I went through many many tissues, but the story of Cheryl’s hike and quest to get her life back and move forward where both poignant and funny. Not long after reading this I got a chance to hear a reading from her at the free library and she was amazing in person – I need to get more of her stuff.
Tess of the D’Urbaville’s***
Another classic that I listened to in the car. I really liked this book even though I felt so bad for the protagonist Tess who is a constant victim of her own design – I spent half of the book yelling at her from inside the car. But otherwise, it is a good story that transcends time and is still enjoyable today.
The year of the Flood***
It’s been a long time since I read Oryx and Crake, the first book in this series that I loved loved loved so I was excited to once again pick up this story and I did enjoy this but I did not love it – it fell short of the first book by a wide margin.
Mississippi Sissy****
An excellent memoir that will make you both laugh and cry again and again. Beautifully written and raw.
The Phoenix Unchained*
Ugh – another audio book I got through my book club. I generally really like suspending belief and diving into other worlds that take me away from the stress of this one but this book was ridiculous to the extreme. Perhaps it’s because it was being read out loud. I finished it because I had to but I would not recommend it.
The Center of Everything***
This is a very good coming of age novel set in Middle America. Not a book I would have picked up but I needed something to read while on vacation and found it next to the guest bed at my parents’ house. I thought it was very well written and makes you empathetic to all teenagers, especially Evelyn.
Traveler**
Meh. I had high hopes for this book after reading The Memory of Running from Ron McClarety last year, but again, I thought this fell short. It’s good but not great.
It Looked different on the Model***
Oh Laurie Notaro – you are one of my favorites. She could sneeze on a napkin and I would think it was funny. If you’ve never read anything by her do yourself a favor and go pick up Idiot Girl’s Action Adventure Club do it now.
Official book club selection***
Much better than anticipated. I can only assume that Kathy got a ghost writer for this book… It was a very honest look into her childhood and struggle with her career and relationships. I am a big fan of personal memoirs and I really enjoyed this book.
From the dust returned**
I picked up this book because the Bloggess once named it as one of the three books she would read for the rest of her life if she could only read three books (I had already read the other two and liked them so I assumed this would also be a winner) and I have to admit that I didn’t really get it. It’s all about the supernatural and ghosts/vampires sort of things which I generally can get into. Unfortunately I simply spent the entire book a little confused and not all that interested.
City of Dragons****
Robin Hobb is by far one of my favorite authors and if you enjoy being immersed in alternate worlds and like using your imagination than I recommend her highly. This was the third book in the rain wilds chronicles. The only downside to this book is that I thought it was the final in a trilogy but it turns out there’s one more – which now I have to wait for…
A ticket to the Circus***
Another great memoir – from artist, model and 6th and final wife to Norman Mailer. Norris led a pretty amazing life and takes you right inside on her wild ride. Honest and open about her struggles with Norman it’s definitely worth the read.
I don’t care about your band**
Total brain candy. This is classic chick lit and won’t take you long to get through. It’s perfect for train riding or sitting by the pool.
One Summer***
I bought this for my Dad for Christmas but as a huge Bill Bryson fan I thought I should read it before I gave it to him. The entire thing is centered around the events of the summer of 1927 and is a masterpiece in investigative literature. Anyone who wants to know more about this era should definitely make this a must-read.
The Last Unicorn***
This book is supposedly a classic (I read it in a list on the internet somewhere so that must be true) and while I am enjoying it (I’m not quite finished) it’s not in any way groundbreaking. It’s a cute story and well written but I’m not sure I would add it to a must read list.
Seriously, is there anything more exciting than Christmas eve when you are three years old?
Tonight transports me to a time of footy pajamas, nighttime bubble baths, homemade sticky buns and complete and utter exhilaration.
Hats off to childhood – may you always be merry and bright.
Last Sunday Lucy was in her room, taking her ‘nap’ when I heard a whimper than turned into a cry for help. I went in to her room and there she was struggling because instead of napping she had taken off her pants and proceeded to put on every pair of underpants that she owns (approximately twenty). She was then trying to take them off – pulling the ones underneath off first. She had (obviously) gotten them tangled tightly around her thighs and could not move as they slowly cut off circulation to her lower legs.
~
On Monday she was getting ready for dinner – in our bathroom when, after 15 minutes or so, I went in to check on her. She had pulled out my makeup and was proceeding to ‘powder her face’. I asked her what she was up to and she stated quite matter of factly “I just needed to put on some makeup because I look horrible right now.”
~
Tuesday night, in the hopes of not getting my make up all over the bathroom floor went with her to get ready for dinner and insisted that she use her own bathroom. I followed her in there and asked if she needed any help, she turned to me – pushed me out of the doorway and said “no, Mom what I really want right now is just some peace and quiet.”
Ba dum dum dum
Due to circumstances beyond my control the mailing of Christmas cards will be severely postponed. I would suggest keeping an eye out around Seward’s day (it’s a thing – look it up). I cannot find cards, stamps or my address book (not to mention my slippers, my gloves, wrapping paper, scotch tape, moisturizer, BBQ tongs and so many other things that were shoved last minute in a box that seemingly ceased to exist somewhere between Philadelphia and Delaware county).
After some serious prodding, cajoling and bribing I managed to wake Ruka up long enough for her to dictate the the following letter chocked full of holiday cheer:
“Feliz navidad, this year some shit happened – the little one got bigger, it was warm and then it was cold and then for two terrifying hours of my life I shivered alone in an unfamiliar basement and now I am in a new place and constantly confused and looking for things. I’m tired – happy new year”
I thought it would be silly to go purchase more stamps simply to send you a card that said ‘this year some shit happened’ I mean you all probably could have figured that out on your own.
So just in case I never find my address book – or I get really drunk and forget:
We had a great year this year. I managed to get a new job that is hands down better than my old job – which really speaks to something as my current job is certainly not all unicorns and roses.
This year I did not learn how not to complain or how to feel grateful for the little things. I still continue to be a pain in the ass that is annoyed when people talk too slow – can’t do simple math correctly or put too much syrup in my vanilla latte…
My husband had a good year – he works at a place and that is good. He has worked there a long time and he does something. His hair got shaggy at one point and I cut it. he started flossing his teeth more often.
Lucy turned 3. Three – where instant gratification is NOT FAST ENOUGH. Nothing is pink enough or princessy enough. She hopes that one day her hair is long enough that she can sit on it.
I think that really sums up the year nicely.
Here is a picture of our new house covered in a bunch of snow:
And here is our obligatory family photo:
In my adult life I have moved a total of fourteen times.
Fourteen including two bi-coastal, cross country treks. I am an expert at driving a car with one hand while holding on to a mattress inadequately tied to the roof. I have shoved an entire studio apartment into two steamer trucks that I single handedly ferried and boarded onto an overbooked Amtrak train. One of which I sat on for twelve hours, half blocking the mens room door.
I once moved two city blocks with only a small handcart in the middle of a Philadelphia heat wave, but never ever have I gone through anything that is going on right now. Things that I have learned in the past two weeks:
Two more days and then we get to do it all in reverse. I’m going to start throwing out some hairbands.
This year we did anti-Thanksgiving. We cleaned out the refrigerator and made chili and didn’t go anywhere or have anyone over. Right now the house is in shambles – six days to moving day and it looks like its six days to moving day… Today (black-Friday) I took Lucy out to run some errands with me and she was so excited that there are Christmas decorations up and Christmas displays out and about and she wanted to look at, touch and to buy everything… I had to keep reminding her that Christmas would be at her grandmothers this year – there will be no time to decorate at the new house. I feel terrible about all of this – what if this is the first holiday season she remembers and I totally phoned it in? She had white fish and macaroni and cheese for Thanksgiving diner – made up only slightly by the store-bought pumpkin pie I got to keep one small modicum of tradition. I totally suck as a parent.
I’ve been struggling recently with Lucy’s monthly newsletter – she’s becoming so grown up I know at some point I need to respect her privacy and not splay all of her adventures and heartache and misadventures all of the Internets. I justify doing this up until now because this site it only really accessed by close friends and family but not always… today I checked the site stats and there were 20 hits from Germany last Friday – 20 pictures clicked on and what? Downloaded where? I have nothing protected I have nothing encrypted. I think it might be time to discontinue these public forums of her sprouting into adulthood. Those who know me well can see her anytime and her grandmothers get nearly daily pictures via text message.
I’m not going to shut the site down but I am going to protect her. A new chapter is beginning in our lives and I think this needs to be one of the changes that has to happen. I will still continue to rant and blaspheme as much as I can, when I can. I have a feeling that life in the suburbs might spark more angst and material than I am currently used to. We have already been dragged into some weird neighborhood politics and we haven’t even moved yet. I’m really looking forward to this….
It’s become abundantly clear that I cannot get my shit together and I really apologize to all of you for that. If I was a better blogger and better person in general there would be an accounting of our recent wild and crazy endeavors. There would be dozens of pictures of the world cutest kid – oh wait looky there:
And there would be daily updates of all the crazy hoops we are currently jumping through but alas I am not. Sorry to be such a major disappointment. Someday I will get around to writing an actual newsletter. Someday I will publish lyrics to all of the songs that Lucy has recently made up that are priceless and very catchy. Someday I will have more time. Someday.
In the meantime know that we are okay – that my silence is just a way of building up better fodder for this website. Know that in a moment of shear adrenaline we made several rash and kooky decisions. Not the least of which was cutting off all my hair. I wonder if this some kind of coping mechanism. In my 20’s whenever I ended a relationship with it went all my hair – since I’ve been married the removal of it has taken on a different life of its own. I’m so glad my neuroticism involves a trained professional and not a box cutter and an empty bathtub.
How quickly we go from cute made up songs of a 3 year old to cutting yourself. Good god, my brain is a mess. On that note – my love to you all, have a wonderful Halloween and mark my word I will return to regularly scheduled updates sometime – seriously… some unspecified time in the future.
XOXO
This afternoon I came home from work, completely exhausted from my day. Lucy was having a melt down because another kid in the neighborhood hugged me – hugged me, she was so distraught that I literally had to just throw her over my shoulder and drag her into the house fireman style along with her bag and my bag and a random sampling of dirty coffee mugs from my office and her fuzzy pink hoodie and her favorite teddy bear and Ariel and Ariel’s hairbrush.
I dragged everything and everyone inside, kicked off my shoes, started a pot of boiling water for a quick and easy spaghetti dinner as I broke up a cat fight with my foot and ripped a hole in my stockings. I threatened death to the little kitty if she ate one more unattended stick of butter off the kitchen counter when the doorbell rang.
I was trying to get rid of the reformed crack head selling subscriptions of unpopular magazines as I smelled the unmistakable smell of cat urine. I quickly closed the door and began the hunt for the offending odor just as the water on the stove began boiling over.
I was on my way to take care of that when I heard a life screeching wail from Lucy upstairs, I ran up there as the smoke detector went off, seemingly trying to drown her out.
I discovered Lucy standing on our bed, pants around her ankles, very expensive anti aging nighttime face cream all over her hands from being rubbed in to her private parts, a $40 a bottle of anti aging serum she mistook for butt cream. And you know? Anti aging serum apparently stings really bad when rubbed on sensitive areas.
I swept her off the bed, threw her in the tub with the water running, ran downstairs to stop the infernal smoke detector as my neighbor called to make sure we are all okay.
I took the boiling water that has mostly spilled all over the stove off of the heat as I ordered a pizza, wrapped Lucy up in a silky bathrobe, turned on Dora the Explorer as I resumed the hunt for the rouge cat pee.
Now I’m relaxing with a large cocktail while I fold two loads of laundry…
How was your day?
This poor website is starting to look a lot like the house I live next to – neglected, abandoned and empty for going on seven years… poor little website has grass growing up between it’s bricks.
I do apologize, especially to those of you that use this platform as a way of feeling better about your own lives when compared to some our our tribulations…
I wish there was a good reason that I have been so neglectful for the past month and a half but like with most things in my life there are no good reasons. We took a family trip to Maine and I had every intention of updating when I returned and regaling you with a photo montage – like I do. And then Lucy turned 37 months old and I had not the stamina nor energy to mark it in any particular sort of way and now she’s pushing 38 months and I still have yet to do anything. In my defense my job is very busy and demands a lot of time so updating at the office is no longer an option and usually when I get home at the end of the day I have all I can do to put on some sweat pants and pour some wine while I drink with my neighbors and wait for my husband to get home and do something about dinner. It’s a tough life.
Here in a classic power point bullet fashion are the highlights you’ve been missing out on:
In other news I went out one night on a Wednesday – it was unprecedented and will most likely not occur again until Halley’s comet loops back around. Today I toured the most amazing house in my most desired location – it was everything I ever wanted in a forever home. It’s priced right and if I know anything about anything from my obsessive real estate research these past couple months it is probably already sold or will be by the time we get our act together and are able to list our house and get approved and write an offer and and and…
I need a nap.
To celebrate and preserve your childhood I have decided to start interviewing you on your birthday. I stole the questions for this interview off some other website (thank you anonymous blogger!) I’m sure this will be much more impressive 15 years from now when you can see the transition from ‘toddler’ to adult. not that there’s anything remotely ‘toddler’ about you anymore.
You have the attention span of a 3 year old.
Happy birthday angel. I love you so much.
Mama
Most of the time my office is pretty crazy, it’s like I get to work and 50 people are yelling “run Becca, run faster! Run up that hill, run! run! run!” and I spend the morning sprinting and sweating and in general feeling like I’m not fast enough. And then there is a sweet hour in the middle of the day that is just for me – and during that hour my one friend at work and I commiserate how much all of the running sucks and we give each other pep talks and eat lots of frozen yogurt to build up our strength and then we put our heads down and run back into the melee.
But this week we seem to have hit some kind of mid summer research doldrums, like we are in the middle of the Atlantic waiting for NSF to call… So, I have had some down time which has been weird but nice so I thought I would pay some attention to this website. Not that I’m writing this at work – if you are reading this and I work with you I’m totally not writing this at work, I’m sure that violates some kind of University policy, also if you read this and I work with you how did you get here? You should not know this page exists and I am not the Becca that you think I am.
Tomorrow my one friend (see above) leaves for vacation and I am frantically trying to figure out how to fill my one sweet hour in the middle of the day. I’m afraid if I don’t plan some things than I will end up working at my desk and forgetting to look up and take a breath, like that one time when she called out sick. To that end I have made lunchtime appointment to get some waxing done. This reminds me of my favorite blonde joke:
A man sits down next to a blonde on a plane, she is reading the newspaper and visibly upset, he glances at the headline which reads “Six Brazilian dead in plane crash” She tearily looks over at him and says “How many is a Brazilian?”
I can say these things, I’m totally blonde – also I wanted a nice segway to telling you that I’m getting all of my lady parts waxed. I’ve never done this before and I’m terrified, not of the pain or the procedure but because the woman who I go to scares the ever-loving bejesus out of me. Her name is Mila, she from somewhere deep inside the soviet bloc, she once called me a baby when my eyes watered while waxing my eyebrows. There are few people who instill fear in me as much as Mila and now I have an appointment to take my pants off in front of her. Good lord.
I’m doing this mostly because it scares me and its been over a year since I had to undergo any serious and painful surgerys and at least 18 years since my last tatoo. Sidenote – I also really want to get another tattoo but I’m indecisive and about what and where, I feel like I might be too old and too Mom to really go crazy. Also did you know you could get your tounge tattooed? I have so many questions about this photo but the first one would be ‘why not the sistine chapel?’ – be classy people!
Lucy,
It takes you 40 minutes to eat a meal, you are full of unsolicited advise, you always want your hair in braids and you have decided that everything I say “isn’t fair!” even when I ask you to smile for a picture you get upset and tell me, “saying cheese isn’t fair Mama!” You are 2 going on 13.
You get excited about all manner of things and when you do get excited you say ‘hooray’ a lot, like ‘hooray grilled cheese hooray!’ or ‘hooray puddles hooray!’ it’s very cute. When you are annoyed you say ‘oh bitters!’ I think you learned that from Strawberry shortcake but I’m unsure.
You like to sleep with your favorite books, you read them by the light if your twilight turtle after I tuck you in to bed at night, and when I remind you that you aren’t supposed to have books in bed you tell me, “they are there for a reason Mama” I have no idea what that reason is, but its very very important.
You go from complete joy to utter tragedy in no time flat and as we learned from our trip to Dutch Wonderland laughing and crying can happen almost in the same breath.
You went through a phase this month where you didn’t like me very much and for 3 or 4 days straight kept telling me that you wanted a new mommy – you would remind me that “Mia’s Mom is really nice…” but then one day I picked you up from school and you said “I want you Mom, I just want you – I don’t want any other Mommy’s.” I don’t know what happened, I am hoping our repeated discussions about ‘other people’s feelings’ finally sunk in.
For a lot of this month the weather was really nice and we spent most of our at home time outside hanging out with our friends on our street. Your sand box is always a favorite hang out spot even though you have some trouble sharing.
We have had a lot of fun adventures including Wonderland and many day trips, we’ve started watching Disney movies and you like all the princess ones but by far your favorite so far is ‘Cars’.
Your favorite things right now are swimming, making sand tea, eating Popsicle in your bare feet in the yard and ‘fixing my hair’.
You are a frustrating handful, but you make me laugh and I love you move than anything.
Mama
“Lucy, do you know who this is?”
“Yeah”
“Who is it honey?”
“That’s Yankee Doodle, Mom”
We get to the park exactly at 10:00 when it opened. Lucy was so excited driving over there until we had to stop at a red light and she was sure that we would never make it in. She cries the entire time it takes to park the car.
We get through line and make it in to the park and we get to met the princess – a real princess (you know she’s real because she’s in PINK).
And then she sees someone without shoes and she doesn’t want to wear shoes! And she cries until we get in line for the train. But the first train is full. FULL! And she cries the entire time it takes for the train to come around again.
After the train ride we go to ride the carousal, but she doesn’t want to ride a horse she wants to sit on the bench despite my repeated warnings that the bench doesn’t move the bench DOESN’T move! And she cries through the entire ride.
And then we ride the monorail but we just barely missed that too and had to wait. WAIT. And then we’re HOT so we decide to try the log flume ride and even after my repeated warnings that its going to get us wet – it gets us WET.
Then we have to go to the bathroom – the bathroom is pink and says “Princesses” on the door but she decides at that very moment in time that she doesn’t want to be a princess ANYMORE and refuses to go in.
After lunch we take a gondola ride, what could make you cry on a gondola ride? Well the fact that she didn’t see a single alligator, that no alligators attacked the boat! Not a single carnivorous predator tried to kill us.
We let her pick out one souvenir to take home, and she chooses a princess necklace and she’s happy for an entire 15 minutes and is thrilled with the tilt a whirl but then in the gift shop on the way out she realizes that her princess necklace is not the mermaid doll she really wants.
After a nice long nap we took her swimming (SWIMMING!) in the pool which was fun until she got water in her eyes and decided she’d rather pout inside.
This morning, I make her a perfectly golden Belgium waffle for breakfast just before she suddenly decides that she no longer likes anything that has syrup on it.
After a quick trip to the Disney outlet store for a perfectly glittery Belle doll we stop at McDonald’s for a quick lunch before heading home, I ask her what she wants while we wait in line and she says… A new Mom.
Once home, cocktail in hand Jason sums up the entire weekend by saying. “I feel like I should call my Mom and tell her I’m sorry”
Word.
Lucy,
This month has been absolutely wonderful you have decided that when you grow up you want to be a doctor and you also want to marry Cinderella…you are always fixing up our imaginary booboo’s and are a most attentive physician. You are also obsessed with painting your nails and wearing ‘big dresses,’ you cry whenever I suggest jeans.
We have had a lot of fun adventures including a trip up to Maine to spend some time with your grandparents. The entire thing was planned last minute and took place in between my switching jobs, because of this your Dad was unable to come with us, but once again you made me proud with your ability to travel so well. It helps now that you have your own computer and were able to watch Sesame Street over and over and over again while in the car. During out trip we got to go to the beach and see your cousins and watch the pigs and in general just had some great bonding time.
Once we got back you fell back in to your normal routine while I slowly adjusted to my new one – the good thing is now I’m home consistently early every day to pick you up from school but I do have to go in to the office five days a week so keeping you home on Fridays is no longer an option.
You are very silly right now and you love to make up songs and dance around. We planted to new grass in the front ‘yard’ and everyday you cone home and beg to go roll around in it.
In sad news we had to let Guinness go this past month and you have asked for him many times but have been less upset than I was afraid you would be, you seem to be harnessing all of your efforts on harassing the cat and trying to strangle her to death.
Your Dad and I spent a day with you at the zoo this month where you rode your first pony – you were so big and brave and hoped right on to it without giving a second thought to the fact that we weren’t right next to you. We also got to all spend the day at the Manayunk bike race were your favorite thing was jumping in the bouncy house and getting your face painted.
Your favorite things right now are: having long hair, big dresses, fixing booboos and ice cubes.
I love you so much, even if you wont let me put the windows down in the car because it “messes up your hair”
Mommy
It seems irresponsible of me to write a post about quitting my job and then never follow up with what came next… I am here to set all of your minds at ease that I have not grown out my hair and moved under a bridge to start asking travelers to answer my questions three (although this option has, occasionally, occurred to me). In all honestly I haven’t had time to adequately grow my hair to a length that is required for a career as a troll.
So. I quit my job and it was cathartic and liberating and all of the emotions that are involved with no longer having to report daily to a place that exasperates you – not to mention the end of two hours in the car every day where I felt all of the good years of my life where slowly being wasted. I worked there for almost exactly one year and when I left I was able delete my cashe file, pack up my starry night mouse pad and drive away like I had never existed. In my head it feels like years since I’ve been there.
I managed to talk my way back into the institute of higher learning which I had previously worked for. This return is a little weird for me like a new beginning at somewhere very familiar. I imagine it’s like buying your parents old house and moving your new family in to it. You know there are skeletons in the closet but you are not the same person in the same circumstances and some of them bother you and some of them don’t.
When I came back I was given the same log in and same email account I had used previously, the first time I opened it I had over 3,700 messages that had been sent to me in the last 18 months, some from the day I left – missives from colleagues that where sad to see me go, it would have been nice to have seen these as I was applying for unemployment and wondering what I was going to do and how I was going to make ends meet.
But that’s neither here nor there and now I work for different people at a different office and I’m simply going to move forward instead of looking back. My experience so far has been nothing but positive and the twelve minute commute between my office and Lucy’s school allows for free time with her that I haven’t been able to enjoy for a long time.
Mostly, right now my new posting seems to simply be a platform that allows me to go out to lunch and reconnect with people I haven’t seen in a long time. I know at some point I will be required to start participating and getting my hands dirty, but until then I am enjoying my honeymoon phase and slowly packing on extra weight from all of my lunch dates.
It’s like the freshman fifteen all over again.
Lucy,
You are a fashion icon, you spend the majority of your time thinking, planning and worrying about your clothes more than anything else. Maybe it’s genetic, I was the same way when I was younger and largely chronicle my childhood by the outfits I wore. I wonder if someday you’ll think back on this time as the era of that pink dress with the tulle skirt.
You love pink, you asked your Dad and I this weekend if you could please paint your room pink and then we went to the library and announced loudly to anyone that would listen that we agreed to paint it – like saying it out loud would make it true.
Everything is an extreme with you right now. You love bubble baths but you hate having bubbles touch you. You want to do everything yourself and be grown up but you insist at times that you are a baby except when you don’t want anything to do with me and scream at me to get away from you. You want to be carried… but only sometimes and on your terms.
You are obsessed with flowers and have to pick, or touch, or smell or water every single one you come across… it makes for very long walks around the neighborhood. And we walk a lot right now because its so nice and all of your neighborhood friends are out. We spend A LOT of time with them.
You are flawlessly beautiful and attract attention wherever you go. You love this attention – you say ‘hi’ and twirl your hair to every passing stranger, but fortunately you are weary too and no longer stray far from your father or me.
You have a remarkably advanced vocabulary and I do have to remind myself sometimes that you are only two. Tonight in the bathtub you said, “Mom, I’m sick of this place – we need some excitement in our lives… oh and when you pick me up do it gently, don’t scratch me and give me boo boo’s – we’re running out of band aids.” Amazing…
We have cut out all of your evening TV viewing and because of that we read A LOT of book , we finally got through your Curious George obsession and right now are in to Olivia, Ella the Elephant, Lalaloopsy and Max & Ruby.
We went out for an early Mother’s day this past weekend, rode the train downtown, visited some parks and water fountains, bought some books and and kept you out way past your nap time for lunch in an Irish pub:
Your favorite things right now are: clothes – dresses and anything stripy, pez, flowers and PINK.
I love you, Mommy
Maybe its because its his first day, maybe its his newness that is making me all sweaty and heart-poundy. God knows I’m not good at confrontation, I once dated a guy for nearly a year longer than I wanted to because I couldn’t come up with a way to say “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
On the way to work today I practiced a pep talk for myself, said out loud in the car “It’s not personal – it’s something I just need to do.” And probably at 7:45 when I got here I could have done it, but my new boss waited until 4:05pm on his first day at work to make an appearance. Who does that? Who makes me sit for eight hours listening to the voices go un-checked in my head?
It’s been nearly five months since I applied for this new job – I have played so many mental scenarios about how this might go down but I never imagined it would be to a brand new boss on his first day.
Sorry, Rick…
~
20 Minutes Later
Of course, it didn’t end up being my new boss that received my finely typed up notice, but my bosses boss – my old nemesis that treated me like his administrative assistant and at one point had me setting up his travel arrangements. He wouldn’t make eye contact and spent our time chewing loudly on a wintermint before he informed me I should start looking for my replacement before I go.
Just like the three weeks I spent on the 3rd shift of that plastics plant assembly line in Vineland New Jersey, I’m going to let the last eleven months teach me to appreciate how good I have it and to recognize the difference between petty inconvenience and downright atrociousness.
I’m worried about the amount of freedom Dora the Explorer has – I mean I think she lives in Mexico, it’s dangerous down there and all she has is a monkey…
~
I used to think that I would one day write a book about my life – but now I’m starting to think that it would probably make a better short story… a short cautionary tale.
~
This is hilarious and this is disturbingly interesting
Lucy,
32 months going on 16 years this month. A few weeks ago you had a bad dream and woke up crying. I went in to your room and as soon as you saw me said “Mommy, get out!”
You got terribly sick with a bad stomach virus this month and it kept you down for an entire week – it was hard on all of us… but you were a trooper and once you were feeling better promised me that you would never get sick ever ever again. You spent most of your time that week lying on the couch watching Peppa Pig.
The weather has improved dramatically from this time last month and we have spent a lot of time outside – you love to run and jump and scream. You also have started walking the dog with me, like a big girl. No longer do I have to haul out the stroller but the time I save doing that is eaten up by the need to fill our pockets (All of OUR pockets) with rocks and dirt and of course we need to touch every flower petal along the way.
The easter bunny came and visited and brought you a ‘princess’ dress that you have tried to wear every day since then. It was very pretty but every picture I got of you looked like this:
because you just wanted to be outside playing in the dirt. we spent the day hiding and re-hiding Easter eggs and painting your fingers nails because the one thing you kept asking for was ‘pink stuff for your nails.’ You asked for it approximately eleventy thousand times.
You are definitely a princess, we have many ‘discussions’ of how you can’t wear a dress everywhere although you usually do anyway.
You are very silly and love to make funny faces. You will cross you eyes and say “Look, two Mommy’s!” or “Look, two Daddy’s!”
Your favorite things right now are popcorn, bananas, Peppa Pig & Dora under-roos.
I love you with the intensity of a thousand suns.
Mommy
Oh March – you came in like a lion but now you are just an asshole…
A newsletter for me. Good lord, I’ve been alive 456 months, lets pretend there’s 24 months in a year – that makes me only 19 years old…
Dear Becca,
This month your hair grew out just enough to be at that awkward in-between short and long phase where you have to wear a clip so it stays out of your eyes and you stop looking like Carol Brady:
You revived your book club and got everyone together to actually discuss books…and beer – but mostly books.
You finally figured out which circuit breaker at work controls the library so every time your illegal and totally unsafe space heater under your desk trips the breaker you can turn the electricity back on.
You finally found the owners manual for your car (that you bought TEN months ago) and realized what you already suspected – that the ‘maintenance required’ light is Scion’s way of needlessly scaring owners in to getting their oil changed. Ingeniously you borrowed a Hello Kitty sticker from Lucy and fixed the annoying problem.
You joined weight watchers and lost 5 pounds and then realized it was your birthday month and spent the next two weeks putting it all back on. The shear quantity of wine and pancakes that you consume really helped out.
You were bored one day and flossed your teeth. You did approximately 900 loads of laundry. You painted the kitchen and your bedroom. You went to your yearly physical three years late.
You’re favorite things right now: day light savings time, online banking, Lucy, finally moving back in to your bedroom, mint chocolate chip ice cream, your husband (not in that order).
You are totally ah-mazing.
Lucy,
Weekday mornings, after getting dressed, you like to sit on the kitchen counter while I make your breakfast. When I get the milk out for my coffee you hug it and say ‘Oh milky, milky – I love you” and you hold it close until I take it away from you. You never want to drink it. It’s really cute but really weird.
You are in a phase when you can only love one of us at the same time. So, if I do something that makes mad, or say ‘no’ to you, you’ll look at me and say “It’s okay Mommy, I love Daddy.”
You are obsessed with knowing who made everything (probably because your grandmothers are always knitting or quilting you something cute). Every time you put on a piece of clothing you ask “who made this for me Mommy?” and if I say “the people at the store” you’ll need to know who bought it for you.
Sometimes you ask “Who made me Mommy?” and I’ll tell you that Mommy and Daddy made you and you will say to me with complete solemnity “Thank you Mommy.”
You are super cute, but you definitely have a cranky side to you. It’s probably our fault for spoiling you but you do no like to hear the word ‘no’ – you will pout and whine and cry and put yourself in a time out. Your father and I are trying to ignore this behavior in the hopes that it will end on its own, but until then we are calling this the reason there is so much wine in the house.
You are a really good talker and there’s not much that you say that we can’t understand anymore. You can spell your name and recite the alphabet and count to 20. You know many nursery rhymes although you don’t understand why humpty dumpty couldn’t be put back together again or wrap your head around why anyone would live in a shoe. There are things that you say that are adorably cute – you call mud puddles (or any puddle) ‘muddles’ and you say ‘Polka Bots’ instead of polka dots and ‘dictioner’ for conditioner.
You are very finicky about your socks. You have very particular ideas about what you will and wont wear and if you end up in the wrong ones you completely break down and cannot go on. Your favorite pair has Dora on them, but we only have one pair of Dora socks, so you are often disappointed.
This month I lost you in Target and I experienced a fear that I have never known before. At the time you did not seemed much phased by the experience but ever since it happened you have been extra vigilant about staying within eyesight of me whenever we are out and about.
You are an amazing little girl and I am in constant awe of you.
Love, Mommy
A conversation in high volume traffic this afternoon
“Mommy”
“Yes?”
“Mommy”
“Yes, honey”
“Mommy, I have to tell you something”
“Ok”
“Mommy”
“Yes”
Mommy, I have to tell you something”
“Ok”
“Mommy”
“What honey?”
“Mommy, you need to look at me.”
“Ok, hold on”
looking back over my shoulder
“Yes honey?”
“Mommy, I have something to tell you”
“Yes?”
“Mommy”
“Yes, honey”
“Mommy, I have a window!”
Sticky Jam Hands 