All posts by Becca

To Nook or Not to Nook

Recently my friend Susan wrote about her love/hate relationship with her newly acquired Kindle. I have to admit that this is something I think about a lot. I have always been obsessively in love with books (see the masters degree in library science & years of my life spent as an underpaid bookseller at Barnes and Noble) I love them like a fat kid loves cake. I have spent most of my life building a collection that I spend a great deal of time rearranging – alphabetically, by subject, by size & color. I moved across the country and shipped something like 20 boxes of books, it cost a small fortune.

Recently, however, space has become a premium, I live in  small house that needs to hold lots of things more important than books – you know like water heaters and children and radiators. I have gotten to the point where when one book comes into the house one must go out – I have started stopping at the library sales only to drop off, not to pick up. It is a sad state of affairs.

Despite all of this, I was still very very against e-readers, how do you give up the feel of books in your hands – the ability to flip through the pages, the freedom to arrange them artfully on your bookshelves? Then one day I met Susan for pancakes at Sabrina’s  and she let me play with her kindle and it felt good… It felt dirty, but in a good way. I hated myself that I liked it so much – the satisfying click of turning a page – the knowledge of exactly what percentage of the book you where through.

I went home from brunch and tried hard to forget the comfortable feeling of the e-reader in my hand. For months I pushed those dirty dirty thoughts out of my head. But then came Christmas and one of our nephews got a Nook color, the kind that is backlit, the one that would allow me to read in the middle of the night – you know the nights when I don’t over medicate with NyQuil and I wake up unable to turn a light on, because I love my husband and don’t want him yelling at me.

I could take a Nook to work (you know if I had a job) without having to change purses based on the book that I’m reading. I could dress up in a unitard and be a sexy nerdy officer of the USS Enterprise while I pretend to use it to check out our current coordinates.  There are clearly a lot of advantages to owning an e-reader.

Despite these advantages I still have reservations, besides not being able to let go of a life time of obsessive book hoarding, I worry that it would be too easy to begin hoarding electronically. I am afraid that I would simply start collecting books (you know the Nook can hold 1,500) until I can no longer recall why I wanted to read something and I move on and forget to go back to things that I have stored. At least when they take up physical space I have a limited amount of it in my bedside table.

There is no point or final outcome to this post – I just thought you all should know the conversations I am having with myself.

La la la … I can’t hear you.

I have a seriously overactive imagination, and because of this I limit myself to the kind of television I watch. Several years ago when I accidentally got hooked on the show 24, I went around for months looking over my shoulder convinced someone was following me, everyone I saw on the street was quite obviously a terrorist with an overly complicated plan to take over Philadelphia all of which hinged on taking me out. I began taking long winding detours to get home so that it was harder to trail me.  This was back when I lived in the city and it got a little bit out of control – a 15 minute walk home from work would turn into 40 minutes or even an hour…

This self editing also applies to books – I like to read science fiction and fantasy novels because if I am unable to relate the story to reality than I worry less that the particular situation will somehow crop up in my life. It is a rare day I encounter dragons or get involved in intergalactic ‘situations’.

Some people might consider this avoidance cowardly but I am okay with that, I really prefer to live in my own bubble where it is inconceivable that people can kill other people, or violent crimes against humanity have the potential to happen.  I like to watch CNN headline news in the morning, because ever since CBS and Time Warner bought them out their focus is less on real world issues and more on the outcome of dancing with the stars… thanks CNN.

I was pretty sure that my husband understood my need for a rose-colored outlook (every time he turns on law and order I leave the room) so imagine my surprise when I realized just a few days ago that the next item in our netflix queue is the first season of the Wire. I don’t know much about the Wire but I know that there probably aren’t any hobbits in it and probably deals with real life gritty situations that are going to make the voices in my head sing real loud and distract me from whats going happening on the screen… I have to say I’m a little disappointed in my husband right now – and I should probably go apologize to all of my neighbors because in a few weeks when we are knee-deep in season one I am going to start assuming they are all rampant drug addicts.

A small peep show into my brain

Below are randomly coppied snippets of emails sent from me between yesterday and April 2010. There is no logical reason or need for these and they are in no particular order. Someday I will get my act together and write a real post in the meantime…

Did you know that Mr. Clean magic erasers will take the finger nail polish right off of your fingernails? I think this is something you should know and something I just recently discovered when I became obsessed with cleaning the shit out of my stove this morning and went through two entire extra strength erasers and one very pretty, very red christmas manicure. Please make a note.

~~~

My husband is, at this very minute, in the kitchen grilling me up some giant slab of steak and making creamy mashed potatoes with enough butter to stop my heart. I love that man. I have gotten myself all ready – wearing sweatpants and a hoodie – actually I am wearing sweatpants because I spilled like half a glass of wine on my favorite jeans when I was feeding Lucy dinner and I took them off instantly to clean the stain and throw them in the wash because I have no money to buy new favorite jeans…

 ~~~

Thanks for liking my new website – do you have any idea how much jam and wet paper towels I went through to get that shot that is the header? A lot, a whole lot – Lucy was sticky for days – well for one day, she does get a really good bath every night. Although if I ever decide to give her giant globs of jam to play with again I will do it in the evening you know right before bath time and not right after breakfast so she’s sticky all day. My friend Jen was over that afternoon and says “Um, why does Lucy have jam in her neck?” huh. weird.

 ~~~

P.S.I just reread this email – it is a grammatical nightmare that just rambles on and on – please note that I am on my 5th glass on wine. I would retype it but I’m too lazy and I’m not sure that it would come out any better…

 ~~~

I have back heartburn – do you ever get that – it kinda feels like someone is stabbing you from the inside right between your shoulder blades? I hate when the people who live inside of me get mad – it hurts like a son of a bitch.

 ~~~

I am very excited because in a crazy panic today I went and got my hair cut (when don’t I get my hair cut in a crazy panic?)… Anyway – its all cute and blown dried and I have bangs, I have bangs like this photo of Reese Witherspoon…. I actually just went in there and said “Hi, Lisa – my hair has been in a pony tail for 12 months now – please make me look like Reese Witherspoon”… Never having met Lisa before she was a little taken aback… But whatever she gave me a great haircut and then I got my eyebrows waxed – apparently EVERY woman in the world does this… the woman who waxed them for me took one look at my face and said “good god” and then basically asked what was wrong with me – I told her I thought that when they were plucked for my wedding they looked nice and she raises an eyebrow and says “you still married?” (in her crazy, thick Ukrainian accent). And then when I was done she said “You see – you have pretty eyes, they are blue – I did not see them before…”

 ~~~

Today may or may not be your birthday – if you were paying attention yesterday you would know that despite my remarkable memory and my knowledge of useless facts like that sea turtles can’t produce offspring until they are 25 years old… I cannot for the life of me remember which day your birthday is. Maybe it was yesterday and you went out and had a great time and drank so much that you forgot to email me. In which case I forgive you, if yesterday wasn’t your birthday and you didn’t go out and party like it was 1999 than I’m super mad and will never forgive you – because you know I need my daily email.  Anywho – Happy birthday if its applicable.

 ~~~

At home, things are fine – last weekend we finally bought good patio chairs – swivel mesh rocking things – they are so comfy that I’m trying to spend as much time outside as possible especially since its getting nice here. Lucy continues to get more and more adorable and I am now thinking that it probably would have been easier/better to have an ugly kid since I fear this is only going to make trouble for all of us as she gets older – but there’s really nothing I can do about that since I am unwilling to burn her with acid or anything.

 ~~~

I’m starting to feel better – like my cold has gone, which is kind of a bummer because there, too, goes my excuse for daily shots of nyquil. I would continue to take it anyway except I’m pretty sure Lucy gets a healthy dose of it for breakfast in the morning – it does make her mellow and easy, but I worry about ‘development’ you know – because I read stuff.

 ~~~

And that about brings you up to speed – I just went to get my afternoon cup of coffee and poured a whole quart of milk all over the hallway (carpeted) in the office. That really illustrates how my day is going…

 ~~~

I guess that all the news from the east side – I feel like I should have more exciting stuff to regale you with – but I can’t think of anything. I’m tired and pregnant and live from one meal to the next (I had a chocolate chip muffin for breakfast and a grilled chicken pita for lunch if you would like to know) I plan on having leftover chili for dinner tonight.

Newsletter: Month 17

Lucy,

3 days ago you turned 17 months – not yet a year and a half and I am already falling behind.

Sorry your Mom's such a slacker

This past month was really dominated by Christmas but aside from that you learned some pretty amazing things – you learned how to whistle and how to blow your own nose.

Blowing your own nose

You are talking more and more, this month started out with “Uh oh” – everything was “Uh oh!” and now you are saying more and more things, few of which we can recognize. You know what’s hot (the heater in your room, the radiators, your breakfast) and you know to blow on them to make them cool – this works less well with the radiators than with oatmeal.

pigtails

We tried to visit Santa this month, but he was SCARY this year and made you nearly hysterical. You were in your first Christmas pageant at daycare and had a great time being up on stage… actually you had a great time until you spotted Santa…

Christmas pageant

You were a real trooper on the way to and the way home from North Carolina – you hung out in the back of the car and amused yourself and napped for 10 hours at a time.  This even despite your crazy car hair:

Too long in the car

You had a wonderful time at your grandparents house, and not just because they bought you hundreds of presents and fed you chocolate and ice cream anytime you wanted. You loved the dog, and the singing light up decorations and the yard and the fact that it was in the 60’s most of the time we were there. And once your cousins and Aunt Melissa got there you had more attention than even you could handle. A good time was had by all.

Chocolate Breakfast

Who knows?

For New Years we took the train downtown and attended Peg & Max’s annual open house, we didn’t make the parade but we did see the destruction it creates on Broad street.

Oh and this month, you learned how to drive:

who cares if you can't reach the peddles

You are awesome – Love Mama

A Christmas in Pictures

Christmas contemplation
Deep thoughts on what she's going to get for Christmas
 
Christmas Morning with Dad
Christmas Morning with Dad
 
Christmas Morning with Mom
Christmas Morning with Mom
 
Presents!
Presents!
 
Snowman!
Snowman! (this was her favorite thing, it stayed on for 6 days...)
 
Playing outside
Playing outside!
Wondering how this ball tastes
Wondering how this ball tastes
 
mmm... Breakfast
mmm... Breakfast
 
Turning into Eddie Munster in the bathtub
Eddie Munster joins the fun...
 
Her favorite seat in the house
Her favorite seat in the house
 
Being Coy
Being Coy
 
Crazy Cousins
Crazy Cousins
 
Hanging with your new homies
Hanging with your new homies
 
Yea for Christmas!
Yea for Christmas!
Thanks to everyone who made our Christmas great!
 

Obligatory New Years Post

Nine months ago I created this blog so that I could have a.) have a place to post super cute pictures of my child and b.) so that I could have some creative outlet in which to recount all of the crazy and stupid stuff that I do… I think I have kept up the picture posting end of my obligation, however I feel that I have let myself down on the later. Somehow as soon as I opened up an outlet to showcase my random acts of ridiculousness they have all but ceased in their appearances.

This year I have only a couple of resolutions, the first being to regain a little recklessness in my life – to give fodder to this blog and make me seem a little less lame at cocktail parties (because I attend so many cocktail parties).  Secondly, I will try and take better care of myself, someday I would like to finish the 30 day shred  (I wonder what the limit is? Is it reasonable to do the 30 day shred over a period of 3 months? 6 months? 13 months? This is something to look into). And third and most important I want to spend as much time and do as many amazing things as possible with Lucy so that she will grow into an amazingly well adjusted adult who will one day be happy to take care of me in my old age.

P.S.  Christmas phots are coming soon…

Homemade Christmas Gifts, Travel Plans and a Holiday Haiku

I know you have all been anxiously awaiting to find out what I am getting Lucy this Christmas on my very limited budget, ta da:

 Wonder TurtleDream ElephantImagine Giraffe

A few inexpensive canvases and some old acrylic paints and new art is born – Merry Christmas Princess.

Tomorrow we are leaving for North Carolina, I am looking forward to spending time with our family and I am very excited that my husband doesn’t go back to work until January 3rd (just long enough for him to get thoroughly sick of me). Lucy is going to get to meet a whole new set of cousins and many other relatives we haven’t had a chance to see in the last year and a half.

I really love Christmas and the older I get it’s so much more about the people you are with than anything material you can get (remind Lucy of this when she complains about her homemade gifts!) When I was a kid the magic of the season completely overwhelmed me. I remember staying up late, sitting in the dark in front of the lighted Christmas tree, listening to Christmas music and tearing up over the enormity of it all.

I hope that Lucy gets to experience that when she gets a little older. Sometimes I worry that the world is changing too fast and people have stopped slowing down enough to really soak up experiences like they used to, but then I think everyone probably worries about the same thing as we get older and time starts moving so fast. Either way – I hope that a couple of years from now Lucy will be huddled in her bed listening to Christmas music on her clock radio and being consumed by the spirit of the season.

I doubt I will get a chance to update again this year, but I promise to post the best Christmas pictures when I get back to Philly. In the meantime  to all of my friends I won’t get to see, I have spent a lot of time writing this little haiku for you:

Merry Christmas to you all
Fa la la la la
La la la la la la la

And to all a good night.

Tuesday’s observations

My poor cat is at an age where sometimes I think I’m being really optimistic when I buy the 48 pack of wet cat food when shopping in bulk at  BJs. But still she surprises me – I might have to lift her into the bed at night but when she decides she’s mad she can still bite me like she’s 10 again… Thanks Ruka.

~

Now that the weather is turning cold I find that my favorite thing is the seat warmers in my car and it makes me wonder why this technology hasn’t made it to other areas of my life – why doesn’t my couch get warm or my jeans? Apparently life is a lot better when my butt is toasty warm.  I wonder how hard it would be to install a TV in the front seat of a Honda so I can hang out in there more.

 

Newsletter: Month 16

Dear Lucy,

Today you turn 16 months old. It’s that time of year again where you get that permanent crust of snot around your nose. And in the beginning of the month you where sick sick sick and oh how I forgot how much this sucks – because kid you are a HANDFUL when you don’t feel well. You transform from happy easy baby into a constant whining machine who wants to be picked up and put down constantly – you won’t eat, you won’t drink you just mope around the house and refuse to do anything.

On a positive note you have stopped biting – this month it’s all about hitting – your favorite thing is to hit your Dad and I in the face. I think you might think that you are patting us but you’re not – it’s hitting and it hurts, especially when you have things in your hands like board books…

What can I hit?

This month more than any other time you very cognizant of what’s going on, you understand when we are trying to be funny, you listen when I’m talking to you like you’re taking notes. You will see an animal on TV and then run to your hoard of books and find a picture of it in one of them.  You know how to talk to elephants and understand what cows say. I don’t think it’s going out on a limb to say you are a total genius.

Genius Child

You and I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together this month, you are still going to daycare but more often than not we are together. We have spent a lot of time at the playground because it’s been unseasonably warm. We went to the Elmwood Park zoo on Black Friday and we had the whole place to ourselves because everyone else was at the mall.

Fun with Buckets

Ya for swings

We  spent a quiet Thanksgiving at home with your Dad and you LOVED it – you love turkey and potatoes and green been casserole but mostly you love cranberry sauce and even more pumpkin pie.  We also where able to go for a bike ride before dinner.

Thanksgiving bike ride

We tried to have pictures taken with Santa, but Santa was VERY scary this year and you had two complete and horrible breakdowns due to our efforts. But despite Santa you are in LOVE with Christmas decorations – we have lights on the porch and on the railing, every time you see them your eyes light up and you laugh. Walking around the neighborhood and seeing other people’s lights is also a lot of fun for you.

Ooohhh lights!

Total Christmas Cheer

You helped your Dad celebrate his 30-something birthday and got to eat several cupcakes, which was AWESOME.

mmmmm cupcakes!

You like to store food in your mouth for inordinate amounts of time – it often makes you look like this:

chipmunk cheeksYou are, as always, amazing.

Love, Mama

Another Hair Brained Scheme

When I’m in the shower it’s my ‘thinking’ time, I do most of my best introspecting  when standing under hot water and can’t hear baby cries or phone calls.

I just have one problem, I tend to lose track of the progression of the showering cycle and usually end up washing my hair like 4 or 5 times… Here is a brief example:

“La la la la la…” this is me signing Dayman from It’s always sunny in Philadelphia – but I change Dayman to Bathman and make it into a great shower singing lyrical.
And Then:
“Huh, it’s funny that this nail polish looks brown in the shower, it’s really more purple downstairs – it is called hot cocoa, it really should be brown.”
And Then:
“I wonder if I’ve washed my hair yet? Oh well, I’ll just do it now”
And Then:
“Turkey Tetrazzinni sounds so fancy, but it’s just turkey and pasta – I wonder what Tetrazzinni means? I should google that.”
And then:
I like black out for 4.5 minutes, just immersed in the sensation of hot water
And then:
“I wonder if I’ve washed my hair yet? Oh well, I’ll just do it now”
And then:
“I wonder if I’ve washed my hair yet? Oh well, I’ll just do it now”

I don’t know if any of you can relate to this, but it is my life. In an effort to cut down on the expense of washing my hair like 3 times a day (or every other day, who am I kidding, I don’t have a job) I want to invent a system of keeping track of where you are in the cycle of showering – you know like a traffic light. Green is shampooed (you just hit that with your elbow when you rinse) Yellow is conditioned, Red is washed and then maybe their could be a fourth color (blue?) that comes on about 5 minutes after you’ve hit the first 3 and this means “now you are just wasting water and goofing off – go do something.”

Feedback would be great – is this a problem only I have? I need to know before I start production.

And now for something completly pointless…

Lucy is sick – which means I am sick – which means it’s time once again to abuse one of my favorite drugs… Nyquil. I would, however, like to make a suggestion to my friends at Vicks. Instead of using obscure dosing instructions (how much is 2 tsp. really? Is that a big swallow or a little swallow? I’m not a scientist). I think it would be better to use language everyone can understand like: “A bottle this size should last you at least 5 days” or “If you finish this bottle within 36 hours you should consult a doctor” or “If you wake up more than twice during the night coughing and decide to keep taking more of this product there is a good chance that you won’t hear your child when s/he wakes up in the morning.”

Just a few things to keep in mind Vicks – if you decide to update your label.

~~~

Saturday night I had a chance to get out of the house and hang out with some friends for a good old fashion girls night. It was wonderful to talk and catch up with them. And as much as I love my husband (and I do!) it’s a refreshing change to chat with people who don’t giggle every time I say the word ‘duty’.

 ~~~

Is it just me or does it seems wrong that people buying a house in Canada should be included in “International House Hunters”?

Thanks Dad

When I was a little girl we used to spend our Christmas vacations in Florida visiting close friends of my parents. And every year on our drive down south my father would remind me about swamp flutter monsters. You know swamp flutter monsters, that come out of the Florida mist and travel through the heating vents in people’s houses and feed on little children. I don’t ever remember being able to sleep on these trips but would just lay in bed terrified that the monsters would find me and I would wonder how much it would hurt when they ate me up.

It wasnt just when we where on vacation that my Dad terrorized me, when we where at home he was always telling me that I was not his real child, that I was switched at birth in the hospital. He would tell me that my real name was Pheobe Hackenbusch and that my Mother was cross-eyed, my father only had one ear and I had 6 brothers and sisters. He would tell me how poor the Hackenbusch’s where and how they lived in run down shacks we would often come across on the back roads of Pennsylvania. When I was being bad he would sometimes put me in the back of the car and drive to the closest run down shell of a house and threaten to leave me there.

I obviously survived my father’s twisted sense of humor but now that I am a Mother I realize how totally messed up this all was. I want a lot of things for Lucy – happiness, healthiness, financial security and MOST importantly to never be afraid of imaginary monsters or to worry that her parents are going to give her away to a large, poor family straight out of Dileverence.

We have a cat door cut into the door to our basement and sometimes my husband likes to stick his hands through it and be the “monster in the basement” and Lucy loves it, she goes running to the top of the basement steps squealing with laughter wherever she hears her Dad downstairs, but sometimes I worry if she lays in bed and wonders what other monsters are hanging out in the basement. And then I worry that maybe I’m projecting my own childhood fears onto her.

Is there no end to randomly weird stuff we as parents needs to worry about?

Footnote:
 I wrote this post in my head late last night while I was laying in bed unable to get to sleep – a little high on Nyquil wondering what the creepy noises I heard where coming from. It should be noted that in my head it was a lot funnier and not so sad about how I was tortured by my father as a small child. You can skim that part.

Unemployment, revisited

It was not that long ago that I was stuck in the corporate grind, daydreaming of a time when I wouldn’t be forced to get up every morning and listen to people complain about clients, students, donors, principal investigators… Whatever it was it didn’t matter, there was always a lot of complaining going on. I sat in my office and wished that I just could have a little more time at home.

It feels like it’s been twelve and a half years since I was working and had the ability to have conversations with grown ups on a daily basis. It seems everything that comes out of my mouth these days starts with “No – Lucy – no don’t put that in your mouth!” or “No – Lucy – no hitting Mommy in the face…” I never thought I would one day long for arguments about profit and loss statements or annual budgets.

I have had some good luck with prospective jobs and good interviews, I think I am learning the art of selling myself – unfortunately there is still a lack of takers. In the meantime I have had the time to paint almost the entire house, pack away all of Lucy’s old clothes, scrape all of the rust off of the porch railings, do 4,874 loads of laundry and learn how to make Moroccan chicken stew.

I have gotten so good at laundry, it’s a shame it’s not a prosperous career path. In the meantime, if you have any questions about excel formatting or the advantageous of using the Dewey Decimal system over the LOC system, please feel free to call me, I’m available to take your call.

Newsletter: Month 15

Lucy,

Today you turn 15 months. I don’t even know any more ways of telling you how awesome you are. You are a sweet child, you laugh quickly and often, you love to give hugs and you are trying to learn how to kiss, although your attempts are really more  just open-mouthed drooling on the side of my face than actual kisses.

Laughing with Dad

And speaking of drooling – you are the queen, you drool more than any child I have ever known – I know this must mean there are some new teeth coming in, but since I am too scared to stick my fingers in your mouth anymore, I have managed to lose count. You have enough to chew steak, that much I know. Actually this month we had our first encounter with ‘authority’ when you started biting your friends at daycare and we had to ‘talk about it’ with your teachers. This seems to be a phase that passed quickly since we haven’t had a repeat for many weeks now. I said it last month, I’ll say it this month – please stop biting.

Eating Jam

I think that part of your frustration at daycare is that many of the kids in your class are talking and you have still not decided to start that. I know you understand what we are saying and you follow directions we give you, I also think that if you wanted to talk, you have plenty of words stored up in your head, but why talk when you communicate effectively in so many other ways? I always know what you need, you make it very clear even without words.

Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie...

We have had many fun adventures and visitors this month. Your Nana and PoPo where here for about a week on their way back to Florida, your Uncle Jeff came to see you and despite is aversion to small children I believe you stole his heart a little. We had a block party where you learned that sometimes its okay to run around in the street, we stayed up late playing with our neighbors and we have had many pleasant autumn afternoons enjoying the playground. We went out to an orchard and let you pick out pumpkins for our porch, rode on a hayride and we attended at Halloween party at your daycare where you dressed up like a puppy and ate pizza and trick or treated for small toys.

How about this pum'kin?

chiiln'  at the block party

hangin' at the playground

You were a pumpkin for actual Halloween, and we went trick or treating to all of our friends in the neighborhood – you got TONS of candy and LOVED all the attention that your cuteness attracts.

trick or treat

Your favorite foods right now are peanut butter, chicken & Halloween candy. You love to sit  in my lap and watch sesame street or Yo Gabba Gabba in the morning and you have really started enjoying story time at night, your favorite book of the moment seems to be “The Kissing Hand”.

My little sweetie

I love you so much – Mama.

28 days to go

Oh Jillian Michaels – how I hate you so… In the spirit of new beginnings and life changes, I have decided to transform my Pillsbury dough boy body. So you know… I don’t have to keep avoiding mirrors when I’m nekkid. In an effort to do this I have purchased Ms. Michael’s 30 day shred program and I am on a mission to get it the hell over with.

Today was my 2nd day and I must say that even though I was barely able to heft myself out of bed this morning because EVERY singe muscle in my legs were screaming in pain – I managed to get through it with only 4 or 5 breaks for water and breath catching. This is an improvement over day 1 when there were 8 or 9 breaks for water and breath catching.  I am seriously struggling with some pretty basic things – you know like getting all the way to the floor when doing push ups, I have about an inch and a half range of motion, but it’s a start right? Push ups I can work on but there are other things that really annoy me that can’t change (aren’t there always?) like her voice, it’s like nails on chalk board and if she tells me one more time to stop ‘phoning it in’ I might just start screaming and never stop.

Really, my new goal now is to get in shape and fit enough to jog my way out to hollywood and kick her stupid monkey ass just to show her how strong and in shape she made me. Okay, reading that line over again I do realize how totally messed up that is, but whatever – the heart wants what it wants.

I have managed, unwittingly, to set up some road blocks for myself (awesome). The biggest one being the GIANT bowl of Halloween candy taunting me from the dining room table. You see, our neighborhood is serious about Halloween and every year when get HUNDREDS of kids grabbing handfuls of reeces peanut butter cups from our giant fruit bowl. So, this year I went out, like usual, and bought two army sized bags of candy. What I didn’t realize is that if we go out trick or treating there would  be no one  here to hand out candy and it would all be sitting here, taunting me…

 Despite my idiocy I am determined to finish this thing and to stay away from the candy so my husband can stop poking me in the stomach to hear me giggle.

Let the games begin

I dislike most people. I’m not talking evil people like Gaddafi or Palin although I wouldn’t want to share a Turkish bath with either of them. No, I’m talking about most normal everyday people, they seem to disappoint me quickly and thoroughly – they chew too loud, they misuse the word tedious. It’s rarely anything substantial, I tend to make quick, snap decisions and hardly ever change my mind. For instance:  I was recently befriended by a neighbor until one morning we went out for coffee and she put 8 packets of sugar in hers…UGH.

Because of this…personlity flaw, I have few close friends. It’s a small but elite club.

Fourteen years ago I started a new job and met a man named Jeff and it was a like I had found my long-lost twin – you know if my twin was a gay man who was born ten years before I was. We immediately became friends, we would commiserate about annoying customers over early morning bagels. We were together the day that the police came and carted away our only other coworker, arrested for embezzlement. This arrest got me out of the mailroom and into  a desk right next to my new friend.

Four years after I moved into that desk, I was sitting on Jeff’s patio drinking a vodka cranberry, explaining to him that I had decided to leave San Diego and move back east. He was the first one I told and I remember leaving his house that night saying “I want to stay in touch, years from now when I have a family ‘Uncle Jeff’ can come and visit and tell them stories about a place where it only rains three times a year.” I said this in jest because at the time could not fathom the idea that one day I would be mature enough to have a ‘family’.

In the past ten years there have been only a handful of days when we haven’t ‘spoken’ on one medium or another. Tomorrow, for the first time since I became a Mom, Uncle Jeff is flying in to discover what life is like living with a toddler. It’s going to take a lot of vodka and therapy but I have faith that we are all going to live through it.

I admire his courage.  I am also very glad that he is a quiet chewer.

Deep thoughts on Sesame Street

Things aren’t like they used to be. ..This is not about walking up the hill to school in the snow both ways – although I did do that for a while in third grade, except school was downhill – I walked uphill in the snow to get home and that sucked just as much. No, what I would like to talk about is sesame street and how it’s ruining the youth of today.

When I was a kid Sesame street was a place, a comfortable stomping ground you visited every like day at 10:00 am (I might be getting some of these details wrong.) But my point is, it was a familiar place with familiar people who taught you to spell and count in catchy repeatable rhymes that stuck with you and made you smart. I remember curling up in front on the TV with mashed eggs in a bowl (this was my childhood’s equivalent of egg salad, because my Mom is way TOO smart to ever tell me I was eating salad – thanks Mom) and sing 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12 and watch the ball roll around the screen and it was cheesy and fun.

The sesame street of 2011 is barely recognizable anymore, first of all you get no sense that they are on a street or even in a neighborhood – the intro song is basically a rapped out version of the original song (and not in a good way). The whole show is a nightmarish collection of small attention deficit segments where they cut from fairy school to Elmo’s world, back to some inner city play ground. There is no homey feel of muppets hanging out together and learning valuable life lessons from Gordon and Maria – half of it is animated and rarely to you see the best characters at all – you know snuffleupagus and the count (who, by the way, when he is shown  has undergone a serious transformation and barely resembles the count of the late 70’s).

Maybe I’m getting old and jaded – maybe I’m not real good with change (actually I can attest that both of those things statement are completely true.) But, I really think that a lot  the problem with today’s youth and one of the reasons that there are so many of them diagnosed with ADD and put on medication, might just be that  the TV shows they watch have  reduced their attention spans to a miniscule amount. When I was an undergrad I took a communications class where my professor lectured about how the average american adult only really has an attention span of a half hour at most because that’s how long our “shows” are, but what happens when our kids only have to pay attention for 3-5 minutes at a time, what happens when they go to school and their teachers lecture for an hour at a time?

I don’t have any answers. It’s clear I should probably go play outside.

26 days to Feral

I got an email last night that probably means I am going to be receiving a job offer very shortly. My first reaction was mild panic: “Oh my god I have to shower everyday and have serious conversations with working professionals!” “I have to remember how to take public transportation into the city.” “I have to remember how behave myself like an adult and not just play on the floor all day and drink wine before noon.” AAUUUGH

Apparently it only takes 26 days of unemployment for me to become feral and forget how to interact with grown ups and act like an adult. This is good information to have and I’m going to make a note of it now before I forget how to write things down.

I’m completely freaked out, I only hope that my potentially new employer has a nap-time policy.

Welcome to Sticky Jam Hands!

In an effort to keep things new and exciting, I have decided to purchase a real domain and create my “own” site. As easy and simple as afternoonmeanderings.wordpress.com was to remember and type, I decided to make it effortless (cause I’m a giver).

Despite our new name, nothing else will change content will still remain 60% pictures of the world’s cutest kid:

World's cutest kid

 And 40% ramblings of a sarcastic nature. For example – I had to call the vet last Friday to make Guinness a reservation for his Christmas get away stay and after being left on hold for about 11 minutes, a woman with no discernible personality picks up and we have the following conversation:

“Yes, Hi I would like to make a reservation for my dog to spend Christmas with you.”
“Ok, is he up to date on all of his shots? Is he taking any medication?”
“Shots definitely, meds I don’t think so, I mean unless he’s managed to score some really good doggie street drugs”
“Excuse me?”
“Well, he is left alone a large majority of the day, who knows what he does to pass the time?”
“What?”
“Um, nevermind.”

Am I the only one left in this town with a sense of humor?

No One Listens

I think HGTV is sucking the creativity out of me. In case you were wondering where I have been, it’s been all about trying to figure out paint colors and how to turn a spanish revival into a sleek modern materpeice and very little about thinking of new posts to write. I know, I totally suck.

What I should do is turn off the television, unfortunatly, I have recently injured my left ankle and I am something of a prisoner of the couch. I keep asking Guinness to bring me new coffee and pick up the remote control that fell onto the floor but he just looks at me in confusion.

Who me?
It’s hard to find good help.

Newsletter: Month 14

Dear Lucy,

I have started playing music for you while you eat, I started out with the classics – Mozart and Gershwin with a little 1812 overture throw in from time to time.  But soon we were exploring everything my iPod has to offer and it’s become clear that you favorite is Elvis. It’s easy to tell when you like any music because you started to wiggle your butt and do a little dance, it doesn’t matter if you are strapped into your high chair you still do it anyway.

Doll Baby

You are up to 9 teeth and can chew a remarkably wide variety of food – I still think fish is your favorite, but it’s hard to say, you get excited by many different tastes and flavors (this also makes your butt wiggle, by the way).

Drooling Lucy

You had a brief visit with your Nana this month she was here and  for a week at your Aunt Beth’s house – she brought you zucchini bread, which was a big hit and spent some quality time reading books.

no more paparazzi

Your hair has grown like a weed within the last month and if we don’t do something with it, you end up looking like this:

It's like no one cares

So we generally try to pull it up, like this:

Look you have a face

Or this:

trying out a headband

Or this:

The hat stays on .07 seconds

It’s a constant struggle.

You have decided that the best seat in the house is in your toy box – I can’t imagine it’s very comfortable but it is as close to ALL of your toys as possible – we find you in there whenever our backs are turned.

Because its obviuosly so comfortable

YAY for Toys!

You have become such a good walker, we take trips up and down our street, and with or without shoes you keep up with me, well I guess I keep up with you at this point.

walking in the park

Walking with Daddy

You have learned and grown in so many ways it’s hard to list them all – you point now to things you want or items you are interested in – hopefully you are starting to store up the words for things you like and soon you will be able to say them out loud.

Blah!!!

I love you SO much – Mama

random observations

Yesterday I was in Old Navy and I noticed that they have a lot of clothes this season made out of silk – SILK in old Navy, isn’t this an oxymoron? I mean am I the only one who shops there because I can get almost anything I need for $20.00 and it’s guaranteed to be washer & dryer friendly? I felt a little bit like I stepped into an alternate universe.

I have been unemployed for almost two weeks now, I have interviewed for the one job that I have applied for since the big lay off. This seems like really good odds and in a way I don’t want to mess up my stats. However it might still be good idea to start looking for other jobs but I don’t know how to do this with so many distractions on the internets. Every time I log on I am reminded to check my bank balance, to see what Susan is up to and to find out how many southwest miles I have and where that can take me… Perhaps what I lack is focus – do you think you can buy focus on-line? Maybe ebay?

Before my twilight zone excursion to old navy yesterday I spent the morning at Jury Duty – and for the 3rd time in a row I wasnt picked for anything, I was dismissed before lunch even. I don’t understand why they never want me. Having been picked now would have solved my problem of not looking for a job. I would have had somewhere to go everyday and I would have been getting paid. Ugh, if only I still lived in California I could have figured out how to get myself on Conrad Murray’s case and I would have been set for months.

Unemployment- the new black

Not having a job makes me feel like Peter Gibbons in office space when the Bobs tell him he’s been missing a lot of work and he responds “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it Bob” – yeah it’s a lot like that.

Here’s a list of  things I can do during the day now that I don’t have to go to work:

Nap
Call 7-11 and ask them to cook several dozen hotdogs
Drink wine at 10:00am 3:00pm
Scheme up crazy new business ideas ( I still believe in the bar/laundry mat – whose with me?)
Find out  how to do home waxing
Search for that smell in the basement
Teach the cat to fetch me things
Open my own Etsy store that sells things made with shedded dog hair
Watch more porn
Learn Esperanto

I am totally open to suggestions…

I promise to use my powers for good and not evil

Yesterday I went to the eye doctor – something I’ve put off for the past two years. Unfortunatly I recently ran out of contact lenses so I finally had to bite the bullet.

The eye doctor makes me nervous, he invades too much of my personal space – I feel like having his face less than 2 inches from my face is more intrusive than my annual pap smear, at least during that I don’t have to look at anyone.

So, I went and miraculously my eyes have gotten better since my last vist, my prescription has been nearly cut in half. I was so excited figuring in another 2 years I wouldnt need glasses at all… Of course the “doctor” kept telling me that I don’t actually have regenerative powers that I must have simply been overprescribed last time I was there. He ran every kind of test on me he could think of to otherwise explain this “phenamenom.” He didnt find anything wrong. I could have told him that  because I’m pretty sure it’s obvious now that I’m some kind of superhero.

If only I could find a way to apply this to helping people in real life.

Please sir, can I have some more?

When I was little my Mom used to feed my sister and I cream of wheat – the old fashioned cream of wheat that tasted like nothing and had the consistency of snot. We would complain loudly and protest that we were being served gruel.* I would fantasize that I was little orphan Annie and some day Daddy Warbucks would come to get me and feed me donuts for breakfast.

Recently and probably a little ironically I have started making cream of wheat for Lucy in the morning – its quick, easy and really fills her up. Every morning I  have to resist the urge to make snide comments about my own shortcomings as a Mom… I think it would probably be bad form to tell my daughter that if she’s really lucky some large bald man might one day show up and take her away from all this. Fortunatly for her (and me) she loves it and can’t seem to get enough – of course I give her the flavored kind, the one that doesn’t taste like snot…

*Honestly I might be wrong about my sister complaining about the cream of wheat, maybe she liked it? She seems to like it now as an adult – it might have just been the vitamins we had to take that she would loudly protest. O man she HATED those things and never ran out of hiding places to vanquish them to… I’m not really sure why, personally I liked the purple ones – yum, grape Flinstones! The point it we were NEVER happy at breakfast time.

Newsletter: Month 13

All sorts of fun & crazy things happened this month – you cut your 5th tooth, which is cute but super sharp and hurts very much when you bite us, please stop biting us.

Happy Lucy!

You have decided that the cat needs to be hugged regularly, the cat is not as much of a fan of this as you are. You have been scratched multiple times but it does not seem to be acting as a deterrent.

Lucy hugging another animal

You learned to drink through a straw, I don’t know how (probably because you are some kind of genius) but one day… presto you figured it out without any prompting from us.

Lucy & Toys

We had a great party for your 1 year birthday, lots of people came including your grandparents and Aunt Jessica from North Carolina, not only did they bring you a car load or new toys and clothes but they stayed at a hotel, with a pool – a freaking POOL, it doesnt get much better than that.

Lucy in the pool

It got so hot this month that you broke out in a bad heat rash that persisted for abpout 4 days and had me terribly worried until it cooled off and you were once again back to your cute adorable self.

Your adorable self

You helped your father and I celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary by going out for Mexican food for the first time, you LOVED it.

Lucy as Pebbles

You survived your first earthquake & hurricane completely unscathed. We had many fun adventures including a trip to the please touch museum… oh and you got this bike which you might just love more than the hotel pool – it’s a toss up.

Lucy & Bike

Please Touch Museum

You have stopped having a bottle (except at bed) and eat like a real person – you love fish and turkey & ham & cream of wheat.

Yay for food!

You are amazing and wonderful and even though you won’t stay still to get a diaper on and you occasionally throw out my wallet I love you SO much.

Mama

All offers will be considered

When I was little I had a god father – Uncle John. Uncle John was a very old man who lived in a huge mansion-y type house somewhere quiet and beautiful. My Mom used to take my sister and I there to swim in his pool and play in his secret passageways. This sounds creepy and weird but he actually had one of those houses where you could open up the grandfather clock in the front hall and take a secret passageway to the ‘study’ or the ‘lounge’ or the ‘billiard room’ – I don’t know maybe I’m confusing my childhood memories with the board game for Clue. But either way he was a rich old man who lived in a giant mahogany paneled house with an awesome swimming pool and questionable ties to my family. I don’t really know why he was my godfather – you would think my parents would have chosen someone… younger and maybe related to us …

‘Uncle’ John died when I was very young. I don’t remember this happening, I think I was probably told about it well after the fact. But next thing I know we were relocated to Maine and Uncle John was never mentioned again. When I became a teenager I started to wonder who inherited that house and all of the money that I assume went with it? I am the god daughter after all – maybe when I turned 18 I’d get an inheritance? Maybe when I was 21? 25? 30? Maybe when I got married? All of these milestones have come and gone and still no mysterious call from a lawyer I don’t know asking me to come to his office… I’m starting to lose hope.

I haven’t been updating this blog very often because really the main subject in my head has been my general annoyance and frustration about my job. And I know you all have way more important and amusing things to do that read a bunch of posts about how I hate my job. My ‘aloha feeling’ has definitely crawled out the window and jumped to its untimely death.

Since I doubt very much that there is any Uncle John money sitting in a bank vault waiting for me and my daily lottery tickets haven’t panned out – if there is anyone out there who would like to offer me a job, or a grant or a fellowship or become my benefactor now would be a good time to contact me. I could return your kindness with sarcastic witticisms and cute pictures of my child. My strengths are a good sense of humor, a delicious lasagna, and fantastic accessorizing.  I’m a decent driver and have really good penmanship.

Hoping to hear from you soon!